Welcome to the quotes page. When people say funny things, I write them down. I started doing this some time in 2003 and the collection has been steadily growing ever since. Around 2006 I introduced the voting system. If you like a quote, click the up arrow, if you don't like it, click the down arrow. That's it! Enjoy!
Quote #1796Score: 0 + / -
Brett: Bread, when it goes bad, is obviously bad, right? I've had this bread for like twoooo months and it looks fine. I'm working from home tomorrow, I'm not scared! It's not no expiration date, it's good forever!
Quote #1795Score: 0 + / -
10:04:16 <zoopers> I already have a fat, tomato-fed woodchuck walking around all cocky and alive
10:05:19 <zoopers> Also it poops like an adult man, which is deeply upsetting
10:05:51 <zoopers> . . . that or my neighbor is really messing with me
Quote #1794Score: 1 + / -
[11:53] pandapook: Today is so nice
[11:53] pandapook: Too bad I hate outside
Quote #1793Score: 0 + / -
[17:26] Mel: I learned a lot from listening to Scottish ASMR, actually
[17:27] yatpay: I think that's the most Mel sentence I've ever heard
Quote #1792Score: 0 + / -
[09:30] zoopers: time to give Koda her first bath. I'm creating a makeshift scuba suit
[10:06] zoopers: She seems to hate being wet, but that's always been cold water
[10:06] zoopers: Either way I'm covering the tub in peanut butter
[10:16] yatpay: >_>
[11:18] zoopers: That's unrelated to the dog. I just don't want to slip
Quote #1791Score: 3 + / -
David K: What's life if you're not sweating every step?
Dan D: Dry, I guess
Quote #1790Score: 1 + / -
Topaz: i eat so much sushi i can tell the temperature by checking how far up my legs the mercury is
Quote #1789Score: 1 + / -
[14:24] vicbond: Unexpected consequence of serious weight loss, not a day goes by where I almost lose my wedding ring.
[14:24] vicbond: I can fit a pen in it, above my finger.
[14:25] yatpay: lol, gotta get it resized
[14:25] yatpay: i don't think it's expensive
[14:25] vicbond: I'll hold off
[14:25] vicbond: Just in case I turn into a fat fuck again.
[14:25] vicbond: There's gotta be something I can jam in there, like a classy washer or something
Quote #1788Score: 0 + / -
[1:12 PM] yatpay: no comment
[1:12 PM] Dan: yes comment
[1:13 PM] Dan: is this equivalent to `//no` and `//yes`?
[1:13 PM] yatpay: ha, what?
[1:13 PM] yatpay: oh
[1:13 PM] yatpay: UGH
[1:13 PM] Dan: HA
Quote #1787Score: 3 + / -
[21:33] brett: [the bitcoin surge] makes me nervous just thinking about it
[21:34] brett: like the price of bitcoin is going to crash, and somehow i'm going to default on my mortgage
[21:34] brett: i don't even own a house!
Quote #1786Score: 1 + / -
(Shawn is interviewing at Google)
[17:56:05] <shawncplus> basically everything in there math related I'm going to tank
[17:56:59] <yatpay> when it comes up just ask to go to the bathroom
[17:57:01] <yatpay> every time
[17:57:38] <shawncplus> "I'm sorry, answering that would reveal proprietary information for my current employer"
Quote #1785Score: 1 + / -
[11:27 AM] yatpay: is [the satellite] JPSS-1 associated with our constellations?
[11:48 AM] Dan: no its the new better EOS constellation
[11:48 AM] Dan: they fly above [our satellites]
[11:50 AM] yatpay: literally and figuratively? :P
(Dan buys some chips)
[1:33 PM] Dan: these arent that great
[1:33 PM] Dan: theres more surface area for flavor but it tastes pretty bland
[1:33 PM] yatpay: lol, i thought you were talking about the new EOS constellation and i was confused
[1:34 PM] Dan: lol
Quote #1784Score: 0 + / -
[13:43] zooper: Sometimes I wonder what Smarterchild's last words were
Quote #1783Score: 1 + / -
(Mel is a teacher now)
Mel: Guys I'm really worried my students are going to figure out I'm a pervert.
Quote #1782Score: 2 + / -
[15:00:41] <mel> I have a sexual harassment video playing on mute in another tab
[15:03:03] <yatpay> but how will you learn to sexually harass?
[15:03:12] <mel> HENTAI
Quote #1781Score: 6 + / -
Mckeed: A frozen grape is good as a goof to throw at someone, they think, just a grape, that doesn't hurt
Quote #1780Score: 0 + / -
yatpay: Topaz is still unconscious or lurking unseen in the house
Tony: The two aren't mutually exclusive. Check your six for somnambulists.
Quote #1779Score: 3 + / -
[16:05] yatpay: if you had to sum up Final Fantasy 5-15 with one word each...... what would they be
[16:44] Josh: Five
[16:44] Josh: Siz
[16:44] Josh: well
[16:44] Josh: i screwed that joke up
[16:44] yatpay: HAHAHAHA
[16:45] Josh: hahaha shit
Quote #1778Score: 0 + / -
Vic: I want the doctor to write me a prescription for pepperoni
Tony: That's the start of a porno..
Quote #1777Score: 0 + / -
[08:31] josh: Hey did you use an app for your room layout planning
[08:41] yatpay: nah just photoshop
[08:42] josh: Ugh so mundane
[08:45] yatpay: oh, sorry, I used project tango, cloud computing, and machine learning so that cortana would automatically learn my spatial preferences
[08:45] josh: Ugh too complicated
Quote #1776Score: 6 + / -
Amanda: How'd you mess up your knee anyway?
Brett: Too much flag football and weight lifting.
yatpay: My joints are pristine!
Vic: I'm like veal.
Quote #1775Score: 5 + / -
[21:45:53] <yatpay> i'm thinking about getting into tulip futures
[21:48:18] <brettalmquist> Good investment, they're due for a rebound
Quote #1774Score: 3 + / -
Tony: Why would you bring [James Bond] Jaws into space?? You put a helmet on that motherfucker and he's not special anymore!
Quote #1773Score: 0 + / -
[09:15:24] <mel> So I woke up this morning hugging my laptop, which is cool
Quote #1772Score: 9 + / -
[14:42:19] <%yatpay> [Link to photo]
[14:43:52] < Zoopers> That happens when you press the SHIFT key five times
Quote #1771Score: 1 + / -
[23:26:42] <yatpay> turns out the shipping weight of the rift is about the same as buzz
[23:26:45] <yatpay> maybe i can trade them
[23:27:21] <suz> lol
[23:27:48] <suz> if you're very careful, you can swap buzz for the rift without setting off the alarms
[23:28:43] <yatpay> oh man, good idea
Quote #1770Score: 4 + / -
[19:45:00] < wacko> i want a psyche chip
[19:45:39] < PandaPook> I want a potato chip
Quote #1769Score: 1 + / -
yatpay: today i saw a guy with no arms smoking a cigarette with his feet.
yatpay's Mom: Get can you blame him?
Quote #1768Score: 3 + / -
[10:48:09] <yatpay> do you think the idea behind sky knights taking so much damage from arrows [in Fire Emblem] is that the animal falls down?
[10:48:27] <bryce> hmmm, maybe
[10:48:37] <bryce> i guess an animal could freak out
[10:48:41] <bryce> i'd freak out
[10:48:42] <bryce> haha
Quote #1767Score: 2 + / -
[08:49:37] < Zoopers> Most people don't know that time travel is only possible on Feb 29
[08:49:46] < Zoopers> So that's when you look for the anomalies
[08:50:52] < Zoopers> Yesterday I watched a picture of Hitler fade in and out of existence at least ten times
Quote #1766Score: 2 + / -
[11:43:29] < Zoopers> I just had an awkward panic where I looked out the window to see if the mail had arrived
[11:43:33] < Zoopers> And there was the mailman
[11:43:37] < Zoopers> But he was looking down
[11:43:39] < Zoopers> So I hid
Quote #1765Score: 1 + / -
[11:03:06] < Josh> alexa, let's play the name game - buck!
[11:04:18] < Josh> banana-fana fo-fuck
[11:56:43] -!- Josh [~Adium@126.96.36.199] has quit [Quit: Leaving.]
[13:16:36] < Zoopers> bot, Josh is having a stroke
[13:16:36] <@codexbot> Zoopers: got it. (Josh used to be pretty dry)
[13:16:40] < Zoopers> Eh
Quote #1764Score: 2 + / -
[20:10:41] <yatpay> i'm watching cowboy bebop
[20:47:57] <beany> Beep Boop
[20:48:11] <yatpay> close
Quote #1763Score: 1 + / -
[11:33:46] < wacko> yesterday was my first time playing powerball
[11:33:50] <%yatpay> how'd it go
[11:33:58] < wacko> lol
Quote #1762Score: 2 + / -
[23:12:08] <suz> Dolphins and whales always look so happy and friendly
[23:12:13] <suz> I don't trust em
Quote #1761Score: 2 + / -
[13:35:14] <%yatpay> i like the idea of caesar doing a spit take
[13:38:07] < Zoopers> He was drinking an odd combination of lemon juice, garum, mustard, and egg. He spat the mixture onto a nearby salad of romaine lettuce and croutons, and the rest is history
[13:40:58] < Zoopers> I don't care if no one laughs; I'm proud of that one
Quote #1760Score: 2 + / -
[16:58] Purnell: i'm down to drink whatever
[16:58] Purnell: i see some Heinekens and soy milk in the fridge
[16:58] Purnell: thats a drink rite?
Quote #1759Score: 1 + / -
[15:44:29] < wacko> i feel like robots have already attained singularity
[15:44:50] < wacko> and they're just acting stupid to convince humans that they won't one day take over the world
Quote #1758Score: 1 + / -
James: What was that show? New Kids on the Block? No! ..Guts!!
Quote #1757Score: 3 + / -
[14:44:52] -!- Zooper [~Zooper@m-b.clients.kiwiirc.com] has joined #ponyville
[14:45:10] <%yatpay> the singular zooper!!
[14:46:20] * Zooper cell divides
[14:46:25] -!- Zooper is now known as Zoopers
Quote #1756Score: 2 + / -
Bryce: Look at that dog. He's happy as a clam.
yatpay: I feel like the expression should be "as unaware of its existence as a clam"
Bryce: .....that's true happiness, JP.
Quote #1755Score: 1 + / -
Beany: I don't know how to tell Josh to get to Harvard Square.. so he sucks.
Quote #1754Score: 6 + / -
Beany took a photo of Josh on her film camera..
Beany: Let's see how it came out! *looks at back of camera* We can't!
Quote #1753Score: 3 + / -
(Goran might have to have his tonsils out)
[10:46:41] <goran> but we'll see what the doctor says
[10:46:56] <goran> always avoid unnecessary surgery etc etc
[10:47:52] <yatpay> yeah of course
[10:48:06] <goran> unless it's for like
[10:48:09] <goran> a sick robot arm
Quote #1752Score: 0 + / -
[14:42:53] <%yatpay> "As a Colorado native, I've only ever had sex a mile high. What I need to do is join the Sea Level club. "
[14:43:22] < suz> lol
[14:45:13] < Zoopers> Seven-thousand leagues club
[14:46:33] < Zoopers> Oh wait, it's twenty. I feel tumb
[14:46:36] < Zoopers> dumb
[14:46:37] < suz> :|
[14:46:38] < Zoopers> Triple dumb
Quote #1751Score: 2 + / -
[17:55:16] <goran> so the doctor gave me antibiotics
[17:55:26] <goran> which are basically just penicillin
[17:55:29] <goran> and i've always wondered
[17:55:48] <goran> if the other bacteria like, resent the bacteria responsible for giving us penicillin
[17:56:04] <goran> like it sold them out
Quote #1750Score: 1 + / -
[15:48:03] < Josh> im gonna leave at 4 if [the fire alarm that keeps going off] goes off after 4
[15:48:14] < suz> how in the world are you gonna do that
[15:48:26] < suz> pretty sure that requires time travel
[15:48:39] < Josh> hmmm
[15:48:40] < Josh> you're right
Quote #1749Score: 0 + / -
[12:14:29] < Zoopers> Also, being a ghost sucks more than I thought if you can get mailed around an' shit
[12:14:43] < Zoopers> I need to change my retirement plan
Quote #1748Score: 0 + / -
[13:28:59] <mel> A bunch of work people are hovering behind my desk
[13:29:04] <mel> And I don't wanna look like a slacker
[13:29:10] <mel> Just act like a slacker
Quote #1747Score: 1 + / -
Vic: The vending machine at work is unlocked. Also, they're out of snickers bars now.
Quote #1746Score: 0 + / -
[15:34:22] < wacko> there is a sewer museum in paris which is, no joke, literally in a sewer
[15:34:46] < wacko> but they made their sewers so nice that there is plenty of space
[15:35:33] < wacko> that shit would never fly in america
[15:38:07] < Zoopers> There is a joke here about astronaut waste, but I choose to let it go
[15:38:25] <%yatpay> you don't want to know how they deal with human waste in space. it's gross
[15:38:51] < Zoopers> Bag it, tag it, frag it
[15:38:56] < Zoopers> 'murica
[15:38:59] <%yatpay> no, more than that
[15:39:03] <%yatpay> imagine a cotton candy machine.....
[15:39:12] < Zoopers> No thank you
[15:39:12] <%yatpay> the worst cotton candy machine
Quote #1745Score: 2 + / -
[12:32:55] <%yatpay> wacko: [link to funny picture of Wacko]
[12:37:27] < wacko> keke
[12:37:55] <%yatpay> keke rosberg? [link to photo of F1 driver Keke Rosberg]
[12:41:10] < wacko> f1 drivers would make good couriers
[12:41:20] < wacko> "keke's delivery service"
Quote #1744Score: 0 + / -
[14:50:56] <bryce> i should prob settle on my main smash fighters
[14:51:06] <bryce> and mix it up when i feel like it
[14:51:07] <bryce> haha
[14:51:14] <bryce> Peach is a front runner
[14:51:17] <bryce> HAH-CHAH
[14:51:18] <yatpay> you should write a serious looking paper on your decision making process
[14:51:25] <bryce> I just wrote it
[14:51:28] <yatpay> hahahahahaha
[14:51:29] <bryce> HAH-CHaH
Quote #1743Score: 3 + / -
[11:42:59] < Zoopers> Honestly, if you can attach a bar bot to a Roomba, you have a good butler bot
Quote #1742Score: 1 + / -
[10:42:47] < Josh> in japan, viking means "endless buffet"
[10:42:58] < Josh> it also means viking.
Quote #1741Score: 2 + / -
[11:53:24] < PandaPook> Dean likes to put his arm down in empty cups then lick his paw like "what was in here, hummm a fine choice"
[11:54:00] < Zoopers> Pretty much what I do
Quote #1740Score: 0 + / -
[11:44:30] < Zoopers> When Shayna has the hiccups
[11:44:34] < Zoopers> I am really good at scaring her
[11:44:38] < Zoopers> But it doesn't work
[11:44:55] < Zoopers> I'm going to keep doing it anyway
Quote #1739Score: 2 + / -
[14:37:37] < Zoopers> Dankesheen
[14:37:58] < PandaPook> my German teacher is rolling in her grave right now x.x
[14:38:12] < Zoopers> ZEN SHE HAST BEEN BURIED INEFFICIENTLY
[14:38:25] < Zoopers> PACK ZEM MORE TIGHTLY
[14:39:08] < beany> Hahahaha zoopers is fluent in German
Quote #1738Score: 3 + / -
[11:12:52] < beany> I'm knitting a scarf for my gramma
[11:13:11] < beany> Tables turned Gramma! Muahahaha
Quote #1737Score: 1 + / -
[11:54:29] <goran> sleeping bags always freak me out actually
[11:54:33] <goran> i mean i don't mind sleeping in them
[11:54:36] <goran> just the idea of like
[11:54:39] <goran> if there's a snake in there
[11:54:43] <goran> i can't get out quickly
Quote #1736Score: 4 + / -
[11:04:35] <mel> Spotify thinks I want to listen to Mambo #5 over and over
[11:04:44] <mel> You're so wrong, Spotify
Quote #1735Score: 7 + / -
[15:14:00] < VicBond007> We played [Five Nights at Freddy's] on the projector
[15:14:04] < VicBond007> So everything was life-sized
[15:14:09] < VicBond007> Including my nightmares
Quote #1733Score: 1 + / -
[11:33:20] <@yatpay> i need to think of somehting half assed for work halloween
[11:34:03] < Zoopers> Just keep adding office supplies to yourself
[11:34:08] < Zoopers> Until you're a costume
[11:34:15] < Zoopers> "I am the stock room"
Quote #1732Score: 9 + / -
[10:09:27] < Zoopers> Pixie sticks are the most honest candy
[10:09:32] < Zoopers> Just drink this fuckin' sugar
[10:09:37] < Zoopers> Pour it in your mouth
Quote #1731Score: 2 + / -
[10:10 AM] JP: giant bombcast quote of the week: "You can't put a fucking price on Zombo Com!"
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: You can't
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: Because you can do anything at Zombo Com.
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: Except put a price on it.
Quote #1730Score: 4 + / -
[22:53:36] <yatpay> lol, i fucking love prometheus and bob
[22:53:48] <beany> Me too man
[22:54:05] <beany> That's all I can think about
Quote #1729Score: 3 + / -
[15:33:36] < jimsmithkka> i have fencing weapons
[15:34:16] < Skie[work]> I have fencing
[15:34:55] < Skie[work]> which could possibly be repurposed into a weapon
Quote #1728Score: 0 + / -
[15:07:08] <bryce> i might just [get a flu shot] this week
[15:07:16] <bryce> maybe before school
[15:07:23] <bryce> i take public so i'm at high risk
[15:07:36] <bryce> I also lick random objects as i go
[15:07:40] <bryce> another risk factor
Quote #1727Score: 3 + / -
Bryce: Didn't you have a goatee at some point?
Brett: Uh.. the last five years?
Quote #1726Score: 1 + / -
[16:19:36] <suz> i'm weird bc i love horror but it also scares me
[16:19:39] <suz> maybe thats why i love it
[16:19:42] <suz> i'm scared very easily
[16:19:55] <yatpay> BOO!!!!!!
[16:20:03] <suz> :-|
Quote #1725Score: 9 + / -
[22:34:21] < Waldo> commitment: opening a pint of ice cream and throwing the lid away.
Quote #1724Score: 3 + / -
[12:07:47] <%yatpay> i was amazed when i found out how thick the skull actually is though
[12:07:50] <%yatpay> i thought it was like 1-2mm
[12:07:55] < Josh> no way
[12:08:08] <%yatpay> oh weird
[12:08:18] <%yatpay> womens' skulls are 0.6mm thicker
[12:08:23] <%yatpay> their brains as so safe
[12:08:28] < Josh> its at least what, a centimeter?
[12:08:31] <%yatpay> lol, that sounded like an insult
[12:08:34] <%yatpay> average is 6.5mm for men
[12:08:38] <%yatpay> 7.1mm for women
[12:08:52] < Zoopers> I wonder if there's an evolutionary reason
[12:09:07] < Josh> cavemen clubbing women
[12:09:17] <%yatpay> pfft
[12:09:23] < Zoopers> Oh, yeah. I saw a documentary on that on cartoon network
Quote #1723Score: 10 + / -
[12:02:49] < Josh> computers, when asked if they are computers
[12:02:58] < Josh> always say beep boop
Quote #1722Score: 2 + / -
[15:23:44] < Zoopers> Step 1: Swallow plant
[15:23:49] < Zoopers> Step 2: Swallow flashlight
[15:23:54] < Zoopers> Can now breathe underwater
[15:23:58] < Zoopers> Science
Quote #1721Score: 2 + / -
[13:38:09] < beany> I got a random text
[13:39:00] < beany> Telling me to be at the Beverly school for the deaf at 9:30am in gym clothes
[13:39:04] < beany> No thanks.