Welcome to the quotes page. When people say funny things, I write them down. I started doing this some time in 2003 and the collection has been steadily growing ever since. Around 2006 I introduced the voting system. If you like a quote, click the up arrow, if you don't like it, click the down arrow. That's it! Enjoy!
Quote #1778Score: 0 + / -
Vic: I want the doctor to write me a prescription for pepperoni
Tony: That's the start of a porno..
Quote #1777Score: 0 + / -
[08:31] josh: Hey did you use an app for your room layout planning
[08:41] yatpay: nah just photoshop
[08:42] josh: Ugh so mundane
[08:45] yatpay: oh, sorry, I used project tango, cloud computing, and machine learning so that cortana would automatically learn my spatial preferences
[08:45] josh: Ugh too complicated
Quote #1776Score: 2 + / -
Amanda: How'd you mess up your knee anyway?
Brett: Too much flag football and weight lifting.
yatpay: My joints are pristine!
Vic: I'm like veal.
Quote #1775Score: 1 + / -
[21:45:53] <yatpay> i'm thinking about getting into tulip futures
[21:48:18] <brettalmquist> Good investment, they're due for a rebound
Quote #1774Score: 1 + / -
Tony: Why would you bring [James Bond] Jaws into space?? You put a helmet on that motherfucker and he's not special anymore!
Quote #1773Score: 0 + / -
[09:15:24] <mel> So I woke up this morning hugging my laptop, which is cool
Quote #1772Score: 4 + / -
[14:42:19] <%yatpay> [Link to photo]
[14:43:52] < Zoopers> That happens when you press the SHIFT key five times
Quote #1771Score: 1 + / -
[23:26:42] <yatpay> turns out the shipping weight of the rift is about the same as buzz
[23:26:45] <yatpay> maybe i can trade them
[23:27:21] <suz> lol
[23:27:48] <suz> if you're very careful, you can swap buzz for the rift without setting off the alarms
[23:28:43] <yatpay> oh man, good idea
Quote #1770Score: 4 + / -
[19:45:00] < wacko> i want a psyche chip
[19:45:39] < PandaPook> I want a potato chip
Quote #1769Score: 1 + / -
yatpay: today i saw a guy with no arms smoking a cigarette with his feet.
yatpay's Mom: Get can you blame him?
Quote #1768Score: 1 + / -
[10:48:09] <yatpay> do you think the idea behind sky knights taking so much damage from arrows [in Fire Emblem] is that the animal falls down?
[10:48:27] <bryce> hmmm, maybe
[10:48:37] <bryce> i guess an animal could freak out
[10:48:41] <bryce> i'd freak out
[10:48:42] <bryce> haha
Quote #1767Score: 1 + / -
[08:49:37] < Zoopers> Most people don't know that time travel is only possible on Feb 29
[08:49:46] < Zoopers> So that's when you look for the anomalies
[08:50:52] < Zoopers> Yesterday I watched a picture of Hitler fade in and out of existence at least ten times
Quote #1766Score: 1 + / -
[11:43:29] < Zoopers> I just had an awkward panic where I looked out the window to see if the mail had arrived
[11:43:33] < Zoopers> And there was the mailman
[11:43:37] < Zoopers> But he was looking down
[11:43:39] < Zoopers> So I hid
Quote #1765Score: 1 + / -
[11:03:06] < Josh> alexa, let's play the name game - buck!
[11:04:18] < Josh> banana-fana fo-fuck
[11:56:43] -!- Josh [~Adium@22.214.171.124] has quit [Quit: Leaving.]
[13:16:36] < Zoopers> bot, Josh is having a stroke
[13:16:36] <@codexbot> Zoopers: got it. (Josh used to be pretty dry)
[13:16:40] < Zoopers> Eh
Quote #1764Score: 1 + / -
[20:10:41] <yatpay> i'm watching cowboy bebop
[20:47:57] <beany> Beep Boop
[20:48:11] <yatpay> close
Quote #1763Score: 1 + / -
[11:33:46] < wacko> yesterday was my first time playing powerball
[11:33:50] <%yatpay> how'd it go
[11:33:58] < wacko> lol
Quote #1762Score: 2 + / -
[23:12:08] <suz> Dolphins and whales always look so happy and friendly
[23:12:13] <suz> I don't trust em
Quote #1761Score: 2 + / -
[13:35:14] <%yatpay> i like the idea of caesar doing a spit take
[13:38:07] < Zoopers> He was drinking an odd combination of lemon juice, garum, mustard, and egg. He spat the mixture onto a nearby salad of romaine lettuce and croutons, and the rest is history
[13:40:58] < Zoopers> I don't care if no one laughs; I'm proud of that one
Quote #1760Score: 1 + / -
[16:58] Purnell: i'm down to drink whatever
[16:58] Purnell: i see some Heinekens and soy milk in the fridge
[16:58] Purnell: thats a drink rite?
Quote #1759Score: 1 + / -
[15:44:29] < wacko> i feel like robots have already attained singularity
[15:44:50] < wacko> and they're just acting stupid to convince humans that they won't one day take over the world
Quote #1758Score: 1 + / -
James: What was that show? New Kids on the Block? No! ..Guts!!
Quote #1757Score: 2 + / -
[14:44:52] -!- Zooper [~Zooper@m-b.clients.kiwiirc.com] has joined #ponyville
[14:45:10] <%yatpay> the singular zooper!!
[14:46:20] * Zooper cell divides
[14:46:25] -!- Zooper is now known as Zoopers
Quote #1756Score: 1 + / -
Bryce: Look at that dog. He's happy as a clam.
yatpay: I feel like the expression should be "as unaware of its existence as a clam"
Bryce: .....that's true happiness, JP.
Quote #1755Score: 1 + / -
Beany: I don't know how to tell Josh to get to Harvard Square.. so he sucks.
Quote #1754Score: 3 + / -
Beany took a photo of Josh on her film camera..
Beany: Let's see how it came out! *looks at back of camera* We can't!
Quote #1753Score: 2 + / -
(Goran might have to have his tonsils out)
[10:46:41] <goran> but we'll see what the doctor says
[10:46:56] <goran> always avoid unnecessary surgery etc etc
[10:47:52] <yatpay> yeah of course
[10:48:06] <goran> unless it's for like
[10:48:09] <goran> a sick robot arm
Quote #1752Score: 1 + / -
[14:42:53] <%yatpay> "As a Colorado native, I've only ever had sex a mile high. What I need to do is join the Sea Level club. "
[14:43:22] < suz> lol
[14:45:13] < Zoopers> Seven-thousand leagues club
[14:46:33] < Zoopers> Oh wait, it's twenty. I feel tumb
[14:46:36] < Zoopers> dumb
[14:46:37] < suz> :|
[14:46:38] < Zoopers> Triple dumb
Quote #1751Score: 2 + / -
[17:55:16] <goran> so the doctor gave me antibiotics
[17:55:26] <goran> which are basically just penicillin
[17:55:29] <goran> and i've always wondered
[17:55:48] <goran> if the other bacteria like, resent the bacteria responsible for giving us penicillin
[17:56:04] <goran> like it sold them out
Quote #1750Score: 1 + / -
[15:48:03] < Josh> im gonna leave at 4 if [the fire alarm that keeps going off] goes off after 4
[15:48:14] < suz> how in the world are you gonna do that
[15:48:26] < suz> pretty sure that requires time travel
[15:48:39] < Josh> hmmm
[15:48:40] < Josh> you're right
Quote #1749Score: 0 + / -
[12:14:29] < Zoopers> Also, being a ghost sucks more than I thought if you can get mailed around an' shit
[12:14:43] < Zoopers> I need to change my retirement plan
Quote #1748Score: 0 + / -
[13:28:59] <mel> A bunch of work people are hovering behind my desk
[13:29:04] <mel> And I don't wanna look like a slacker
[13:29:10] <mel> Just act like a slacker
Quote #1747Score: 1 + / -
Vic: The vending machine at work is unlocked. Also, they're out of snickers bars now.
Quote #1746Score: 0 + / -
[15:34:22] < wacko> there is a sewer museum in paris which is, no joke, literally in a sewer
[15:34:46] < wacko> but they made their sewers so nice that there is plenty of space
[15:35:33] < wacko> that shit would never fly in america
[15:38:07] < Zoopers> There is a joke here about astronaut waste, but I choose to let it go
[15:38:25] <%yatpay> you don't want to know how they deal with human waste in space. it's gross
[15:38:51] < Zoopers> Bag it, tag it, frag it
[15:38:56] < Zoopers> 'murica
[15:38:59] <%yatpay> no, more than that
[15:39:03] <%yatpay> imagine a cotton candy machine.....
[15:39:12] < Zoopers> No thank you
[15:39:12] <%yatpay> the worst cotton candy machine
Quote #1745Score: 2 + / -
[12:32:55] <%yatpay> wacko: [link to funny picture of Wacko]
[12:37:27] < wacko> keke
[12:37:55] <%yatpay> keke rosberg? [link to photo of F1 driver Keke Rosberg]
[12:41:10] < wacko> f1 drivers would make good couriers
[12:41:20] < wacko> "keke's delivery service"
Quote #1744Score: 0 + / -
[14:50:56] <bryce> i should prob settle on my main smash fighters
[14:51:06] <bryce> and mix it up when i feel like it
[14:51:07] <bryce> haha
[14:51:14] <bryce> Peach is a front runner
[14:51:17] <bryce> HAH-CHAH
[14:51:18] <yatpay> you should write a serious looking paper on your decision making process
[14:51:25] <bryce> I just wrote it
[14:51:28] <yatpay> hahahahahaha
[14:51:29] <bryce> HAH-CHaH
Quote #1743Score: 2 + / -
[11:42:59] < Zoopers> Honestly, if you can attach a bar bot to a Roomba, you have a good butler bot
Quote #1742Score: 1 + / -
[10:42:47] < Josh> in japan, viking means "endless buffet"
[10:42:58] < Josh> it also means viking.
Quote #1741Score: 1 + / -
[11:53:24] < PandaPook> Dean likes to put his arm down in empty cups then lick his paw like "what was in here, hummm a fine choice"
[11:54:00] < Zoopers> Pretty much what I do
Quote #1740Score: 1 + / -
[11:44:30] < Zoopers> When Shayna has the hiccups
[11:44:34] < Zoopers> I am really good at scaring her
[11:44:38] < Zoopers> But it doesn't work
[11:44:55] < Zoopers> I'm going to keep doing it anyway
Quote #1739Score: 2 + / -
[14:37:37] < Zoopers> Dankesheen
[14:37:58] < PandaPook> my German teacher is rolling in her grave right now x.x
[14:38:12] < Zoopers> ZEN SHE HAST BEEN BURIED INEFFICIENTLY
[14:38:25] < Zoopers> PACK ZEM MORE TIGHTLY
[14:39:08] < beany> Hahahaha zoopers is fluent in German
Quote #1738Score: 3 + / -
[11:12:52] < beany> I'm knitting a scarf for my gramma
[11:13:11] < beany> Tables turned Gramma! Muahahaha
Quote #1737Score: 0 + / -
[11:54:29] <goran> sleeping bags always freak me out actually
[11:54:33] <goran> i mean i don't mind sleeping in them
[11:54:36] <goran> just the idea of like
[11:54:39] <goran> if there's a snake in there
[11:54:43] <goran> i can't get out quickly
Quote #1736Score: 4 + / -
[11:04:35] <mel> Spotify thinks I want to listen to Mambo #5 over and over
[11:04:44] <mel> You're so wrong, Spotify
Quote #1735Score: 7 + / -
[15:14:00] < VicBond007> We played [Five Nights at Freddy's] on the projector
[15:14:04] < VicBond007> So everything was life-sized
[15:14:09] < VicBond007> Including my nightmares
Quote #1733Score: 0 + / -
[11:33:20] <@yatpay> i need to think of somehting half assed for work halloween
[11:34:03] < Zoopers> Just keep adding office supplies to yourself
[11:34:08] < Zoopers> Until you're a costume
[11:34:15] < Zoopers> "I am the stock room"
Quote #1732Score: 7 + / -
[10:09:27] < Zoopers> Pixie sticks are the most honest candy
[10:09:32] < Zoopers> Just drink this fuckin' sugar
[10:09:37] < Zoopers> Pour it in your mouth
Quote #1731Score: 2 + / -
[10:10 AM] JP: giant bombcast quote of the week: "You can't put a fucking price on Zombo Com!"
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: You can't
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: Because you can do anything at Zombo Com.
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: Except put a price on it.
Quote #1730Score: 4 + / -
[22:53:36] <yatpay> lol, i fucking love prometheus and bob
[22:53:48] <beany> Me too man
[22:54:05] <beany> That's all I can think about
Quote #1729Score: 3 + / -
[15:33:36] < jimsmithkka> i have fencing weapons
[15:34:16] < Skie[work]> I have fencing
[15:34:55] < Skie[work]> which could possibly be repurposed into a weapon
Quote #1728Score: 0 + / -
[15:07:08] <bryce> i might just [get a flu shot] this week
[15:07:16] <bryce> maybe before school
[15:07:23] <bryce> i take public so i'm at high risk
[15:07:36] <bryce> I also lick random objects as i go
[15:07:40] <bryce> another risk factor
Quote #1727Score: 1 + / -
Bryce: Didn't you have a goatee at some point?
Brett: Uh.. the last five years?
Quote #1726Score: 1 + / -
[16:19:36] <suz> i'm weird bc i love horror but it also scares me
[16:19:39] <suz> maybe thats why i love it
[16:19:42] <suz> i'm scared very easily
[16:19:55] <yatpay> BOO!!!!!!
[16:20:03] <suz> :-|
Quote #1725Score: 8 + / -
[22:34:21] < Waldo> commitment: opening a pint of ice cream and throwing the lid away.
Quote #1724Score: 4 + / -
[12:07:47] <%yatpay> i was amazed when i found out how thick the skull actually is though
[12:07:50] <%yatpay> i thought it was like 1-2mm
[12:07:55] < Josh> no way
[12:08:08] <%yatpay> oh weird
[12:08:18] <%yatpay> womens' skulls are 0.6mm thicker
[12:08:23] <%yatpay> their brains as so safe
[12:08:28] < Josh> its at least what, a centimeter?
[12:08:31] <%yatpay> lol, that sounded like an insult
[12:08:34] <%yatpay> average is 6.5mm for men
[12:08:38] <%yatpay> 7.1mm for women
[12:08:52] < Zoopers> I wonder if there's an evolutionary reason
[12:09:07] < Josh> cavemen clubbing women
[12:09:17] <%yatpay> pfft
[12:09:23] < Zoopers> Oh, yeah. I saw a documentary on that on cartoon network
Quote #1723Score: 8 + / -
[12:02:49] < Josh> computers, when asked if they are computers
[12:02:58] < Josh> always say beep boop
Quote #1722Score: 2 + / -
[15:23:44] < Zoopers> Step 1: Swallow plant
[15:23:49] < Zoopers> Step 2: Swallow flashlight
[15:23:54] < Zoopers> Can now breathe underwater
[15:23:58] < Zoopers> Science
Quote #1721Score: 2 + / -
[13:38:09] < beany> I got a random text
[13:39:00] < beany> Telling me to be at the Beverly school for the deaf at 9:30am in gym clothes
[13:39:04] < beany> No thanks.
Quote #1720Score: 1 + / -
[12:53:30] < VicBond007> When Zoopers mentioned his grandma, I immediately pictured a lasagna with googly eyes
[12:53:37] < Zoopers> hahahaha
[12:53:37] < Zoopers> wat
[12:53:47] < VicBond007> I dunno
[12:53:56] < VicBond007> I've been really hungry all day
Quote #1719Score: 3 + / -
[13:10:53] <bryce> haha there is this line in a song i am listening to "Take your shoes off... and I will throw them in the lake"
[13:10:55] <bryce> fuck you
[13:10:55] <bryce> haha
[13:11:07] <bryce> don't throw my shoes in the lake
Quote #1718Score: 2 + / -
[11:33:23] < VicBond007> Dirty laundry is just clean laundry that you're not desperate enough to wear.
Quote #1717Score: 2 + / -
[11:01:27] < Waldo> man, cats freak the fuck out when you give them ear drops.
[11:01:52] < gogisha> i freak the fuck out when you give cats ear drops
[11:02:13] < beany> It's why you gotta burrito the cats and Goran first
[11:02:28] < gogisha> haha
Quote #1716Score: 0 + / -
[16:09:31] <vicbond> I dunno I just like blaming robots for bad decisions
Quote #1715Score: 0 + / -
[09:13] yatpay: man. i guess i need more sleep. i just tried to do: "ssh ~/repos/2u/puppet"
[09:14] Eiwe: That seems reasonable. You just want to ssh into the directory.
[09:14] yatpay: lol
[09:14] Eiwe: cd http://www.google.com
Quote #1714Score: 3 + / -
[14:42:39] < beany> Maybe I won't go to the post office today. I'm not a strong swimmer
Quote #1713Score: 6 + / -
[16:45:51] <yatpay> i've lost more than the cats weigh :D
[16:46:35] <brett> now you can finally justify eating the cats!
Quote #1712Score: 1 + / -
[13:39:07] <@yatpay> apparently i'm a decent server at volleyball because i'm bad enough to be squirrely but good enough to keep it in bounds, haha
[13:40:52] < Zoopers> I'm a decent server of food for the same reason
Quote #1711Score: 6 + / -
14:18:06] < Zoopers> The REAL question is if this upgrade warrants a new PC name
[14:18:27] < Brett> i think it does!
[14:18:43] <@yatpay> for what it's worth, i didn't rename Highwind when i got a new motherboard/cpu/ram
[14:18:55] <@yatpay> i think for a new name you need a new case
[14:20:12] < VicBond007> I consider new motherboard a "new pc"
[14:20:37] < Brett> new pc! new pc!
[14:21:08] < Zoopers> I can't accept that on the grounds that I would like my brain to one day be put in a robot body and don't want to look back on this as a reason for an existential crisis
[14:21:16] <@yatpay> hahahahahahahahaa
Quote #1710Score: 4 + / -
[12:10:30] <@yatpay> WaldoZzz: [rocket launch] postponed again. probably around a week. bad actuator in the thrust vector control system and they want to pin down the root cause
[12:14:37] < Sawboss> i hate it when they miss an actuator
[12:14:47] < Sawboss> you have to go all the way back down the aggro crag
[12:14:52] < Sawboss> to hit it
Quote #1709Score: 1 + / -
[19:35] brian: 4:3 is the hitler of ratios
[19:36] brian: I will crop my video to the golden ratio
[19:38] brian: 1165x720
Quote #1708Score: 6 + / -
[14:23:11] <suz> the best part of [being a freelancer] is that i sound totally professional but i have no pants on
Quote #1707Score: 4 + / -
[13:10:51] <vicbond> when I log into the Iron Editor youtube account, almost all of the video suggestions are makeup tips.
[13:11:05] <yatpay> cause you're so fucking ugly
[13:11:13] <vicbond> lmao
Quote #1706Score: 0 + / -
[10:42:01] < Melee> My cat is trying really hard to eat my cereal
[10:42:07] <@yatpay> what kind of cereal
[10:42:22] < Zoopers> Meow mix
[10:42:25] < Zoopers> Poor Mel =(
Quote #1705Score: 8 + / -
[12:51:46] < suz> the F train derailed this morning
[12:51:51] < suz> so the 7 will probably be extra crowded
[12:51:55] < suz> who knows for how long
[12:51:55] < Josh> jesus christ really?
[12:52:01] < suz> that is all
[12:52:40] < Zoopers> On an unrelated note, I got a sweet flat penny this morning
[12:52:46] < suz> ooh from where
[12:53:09] < VicBond007> I get it
[12:53:17] < suz> :<
Quote #1704Score: 4 + / -
[14:21:28] < Melee> There's a really nice row of condos near me where one in the middle exploded during a fire. I call it Building Duck Duck Goose.
Quote #1703Score: 3 + / -
[11:07:45] <@yatpay> Zoopers: i have this image of you breaking off of society and starting a viking theme park and just living there
[11:07:56] <@yatpay> but you'll need a beard
[11:08:06] <@yatpay> no one will take a clean shaven viking seriously
[11:11:11] < Zoopers> I would love that, Yatpay. Haha
[11:11:30] < Zoopers> A theme park that regularly raids King Richard's Faire and takes their shit