Welcome to the quotes page. When people say funny things, I write them down. I started doing this some time in 2003 and the collection has been steadily growing ever since. Around 2006 I introduced the voting system. If you like a quote, click the up arrow, if you don't like it, click the down arrow. That's it! Enjoy!
Quote #1731Score: 2 + / -
[10:10 AM] JP: giant bombcast quote of the week: "You can't put a fucking price on Zombo Com!"
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: You can't
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: Because you can do anything at Zombo Com.
[10:12 AM] Eiwe: Except put a price on it.
Quote #1730Score: 4 + / -
[22:53:36] <yatpay> lol, i fucking love prometheus and bob
[22:53:48] <beany> Me too man
[22:54:05] <beany> That's all I can think about
Quote #1729Score: 3 + / -
[15:33:36] < jimsmithkka> i have fencing weapons
[15:34:16] < Skie[work]> I have fencing
[15:34:55] < Skie[work]> which could possibly be repurposed into a weapon
Quote #1728Score: 0 + / -
[15:07:08] <bryce> i might just [get a flu shot] this week
[15:07:16] <bryce> maybe before school
[15:07:23] <bryce> i take public so i'm at high risk
[15:07:36] <bryce> I also lick random objects as i go
[15:07:40] <bryce> another risk factor
Quote #1727Score: 3 + / -
Bryce: Didn't you have a goatee at some point?
Brett: Uh.. the last five years?
Quote #1726Score: 1 + / -
[16:19:36] <suz> i'm weird bc i love horror but it also scares me
[16:19:39] <suz> maybe thats why i love it
[16:19:42] <suz> i'm scared very easily
[16:19:55] <yatpay> BOO!!!!!!
[16:20:03] <suz> :-|
Quote #1725Score: 9 + / -
[22:34:21] < Waldo> commitment: opening a pint of ice cream and throwing the lid away.
Quote #1724Score: 3 + / -
[12:07:47] <%yatpay> i was amazed when i found out how thick the skull actually is though
[12:07:50] <%yatpay> i thought it was like 1-2mm
[12:07:55] < Josh> no way
[12:08:08] <%yatpay> oh weird
[12:08:18] <%yatpay> womens' skulls are 0.6mm thicker
[12:08:23] <%yatpay> their brains as so safe
[12:08:28] < Josh> its at least what, a centimeter?
[12:08:31] <%yatpay> lol, that sounded like an insult
[12:08:34] <%yatpay> average is 6.5mm for men
[12:08:38] <%yatpay> 7.1mm for women
[12:08:52] < Zoopers> I wonder if there's an evolutionary reason
[12:09:07] < Josh> cavemen clubbing women
[12:09:17] <%yatpay> pfft
[12:09:23] < Zoopers> Oh, yeah. I saw a documentary on that on cartoon network
Quote #1723Score: 10 + / -
[12:02:49] < Josh> computers, when asked if they are computers
[12:02:58] < Josh> always say beep boop
Quote #1722Score: 2 + / -
[15:23:44] < Zoopers> Step 1: Swallow plant
[15:23:49] < Zoopers> Step 2: Swallow flashlight
[15:23:54] < Zoopers> Can now breathe underwater
[15:23:58] < Zoopers> Science
Quote #1721Score: 2 + / -
[13:38:09] < beany> I got a random text
[13:39:00] < beany> Telling me to be at the Beverly school for the deaf at 9:30am in gym clothes
[13:39:04] < beany> No thanks.
Quote #1720Score: 1 + / -
[12:53:30] < VicBond007> When Zoopers mentioned his grandma, I immediately pictured a lasagna with googly eyes
[12:53:37] < Zoopers> hahahaha
[12:53:37] < Zoopers> wat
[12:53:47] < VicBond007> I dunno
[12:53:56] < VicBond007> I've been really hungry all day
Quote #1719Score: 4 + / -
[13:10:53] <bryce> haha there is this line in a song i am listening to "Take your shoes off... and I will throw them in the lake"
[13:10:55] <bryce> fuck you
[13:10:55] <bryce> haha
[13:11:07] <bryce> don't throw my shoes in the lake
Quote #1718Score: 2 + / -
[11:33:23] < VicBond007> Dirty laundry is just clean laundry that you're not desperate enough to wear.
Quote #1717Score: 2 + / -
[11:01:27] < Waldo> man, cats freak the fuck out when you give them ear drops.
[11:01:52] < gogisha> i freak the fuck out when you give cats ear drops
[11:02:13] < beany> It's why you gotta burrito the cats and Goran first
[11:02:28] < gogisha> haha
Quote #1716Score: 0 + / -
[16:09:31] <vicbond> I dunno I just like blaming robots for bad decisions
Quote #1715Score: 0 + / -
[09:13] yatpay: man. i guess i need more sleep. i just tried to do: "ssh ~/repos/2u/puppet"
[09:14] Eiwe: That seems reasonable. You just want to ssh into the directory.
[09:14] yatpay: lol
[09:14] Eiwe: cd http://www.google.com
Quote #1714Score: 3 + / -
[14:42:39] < beany> Maybe I won't go to the post office today. I'm not a strong swimmer
Quote #1713Score: 7 + / -
[16:45:51] <yatpay> i've lost more than the cats weigh :D
[16:46:35] <brett> now you can finally justify eating the cats!
Quote #1712Score: 1 + / -
[13:39:07] <@yatpay> apparently i'm a decent server at volleyball because i'm bad enough to be squirrely but good enough to keep it in bounds, haha
[13:40:52] < Zoopers> I'm a decent server of food for the same reason
Quote #1711Score: 7 + / -
14:18:06] < Zoopers> The REAL question is if this upgrade warrants a new PC name
[14:18:27] < Brett> i think it does!
[14:18:43] <@yatpay> for what it's worth, i didn't rename Highwind when i got a new motherboard/cpu/ram
[14:18:55] <@yatpay> i think for a new name you need a new case
[14:20:12] < VicBond007> I consider new motherboard a "new pc"
[14:20:37] < Brett> new pc! new pc!
[14:21:08] < Zoopers> I can't accept that on the grounds that I would like my brain to one day be put in a robot body and don't want to look back on this as a reason for an existential crisis
[14:21:16] <@yatpay> hahahahahahahahaa
Quote #1710Score: 5 + / -
[12:10:30] <@yatpay> WaldoZzz: [rocket launch] postponed again. probably around a week. bad actuator in the thrust vector control system and they want to pin down the root cause
[12:14:37] < Sawboss> i hate it when they miss an actuator
[12:14:47] < Sawboss> you have to go all the way back down the aggro crag
[12:14:52] < Sawboss> to hit it
Quote #1709Score: 1 + / -
[19:35] brian: 4:3 is the hitler of ratios
[19:36] brian: I will crop my video to the golden ratio
[19:38] brian: 1165x720
Quote #1708Score: 6 + / -
[14:23:11] <suz> the best part of [being a freelancer] is that i sound totally professional but i have no pants on
Quote #1707Score: 4 + / -
[13:10:51] <vicbond> when I log into the Iron Editor youtube account, almost all of the video suggestions are makeup tips.
[13:11:05] <yatpay> cause you're so fucking ugly
[13:11:13] <vicbond> lmao
Quote #1706Score: 0 + / -
[10:42:01] < Melee> My cat is trying really hard to eat my cereal
[10:42:07] <@yatpay> what kind of cereal
[10:42:22] < Zoopers> Meow mix
[10:42:25] < Zoopers> Poor Mel =(
Quote #1705Score: 8 + / -
[12:51:46] < suz> the F train derailed this morning
[12:51:51] < suz> so the 7 will probably be extra crowded
[12:51:55] < suz> who knows for how long
[12:51:55] < Josh> jesus christ really?
[12:52:01] < suz> that is all
[12:52:40] < Zoopers> On an unrelated note, I got a sweet flat penny this morning
[12:52:46] < suz> ooh from where
[12:53:09] < VicBond007> I get it
[12:53:17] < suz> :<
Quote #1704Score: 4 + / -
[14:21:28] < Melee> There's a really nice row of condos near me where one in the middle exploded during a fire. I call it Building Duck Duck Goose.
Quote #1703Score: 3 + / -
[11:07:45] <@yatpay> Zoopers: i have this image of you breaking off of society and starting a viking theme park and just living there
[11:07:56] <@yatpay> but you'll need a beard
[11:08:06] <@yatpay> no one will take a clean shaven viking seriously
[11:11:11] < Zoopers> I would love that, Yatpay. Haha
[11:11:30] < Zoopers> A theme park that regularly raids King Richard's Faire and takes their shit
Quote #1702Score: 1 + / -
[10:58:17] < charlie> still no work
[10:58:23] < charlie> best day to work from home
[10:58:26] < suz> you should watch orphan black
[10:58:35] < charlie> you should watch orphan black
[10:58:39] < suz> i did
[10:58:40] < suz> lol
Quote #1701Score: 2 + / -
[15:33:00] < Zoopers> Beards are comforting
[15:33:05] < Zoopers> That's why I don't have one
[15:33:10] < Zoopers> So you remember I'll cut joo
Quote #1700Score: 1 + / -
Brett: What is diasterPEACE?
yatpay: He's the musician you just listened to.
Bryce: He did the soundtrack to Fez.
Brett: Is that you pronounce it? I always thought it was "FEEZ"
yatpay: ...Brett. "Fez" is a word!!
Quote #1698Score: 1 + / -
Kailey: There's sour cream in this pie.
Charles: That's what that is? I didn't want to know. I didn't really look until I was halfway through the pie.
Quote #1697Score: 2 + / -
[15:18:59] <bryce> not sure what to do tonight though
[15:19:03] <bryce> annalise is away
[15:19:09] <bryce> and the mice will play
[15:19:17] <bryce> but they don't like me, so i am not invited to their party
Quote #1696Score: 6 + / -
[13:53:04] < Josh> i talk like this
[13:53:05] < Josh> just to
[13:53:08] < Josh> create
[13:53:11] < suz> annoyance
[13:53:12] < Josh> DRAMAAAA
Quote #1695Score: 6 + / -
[13:40:22] < beany> Mac and cheese pie?7
[13:40:29] < beany> !?!?
[13:41:16] <@yatpay> lol, where did that 7 come from
[13:42:17] < Josh> the heart
Quote #1694Score: 3 + / -
[18:00:16] <yatpay> buzz has become weird around strangers
[18:01:00] <bryce> haha you have to do some shock therapy
[18:01:04] <bryce> take him onto the subway
Quote #1693Score: 2 + / -
[13:39:28] <bryce> my [antibodies] comes in monday
[13:39:32] <bryce> then i wlll have tons to do
[13:39:53] <yatpay> hell, i make tons of those things every day
[13:40:20] <bryce> can they detect Akt phosphorylated at the Threonine 308 residue?
[13:40:29] <yatpay> that's between me and my doctor
Quote #1692Score: 3 + / -
(After reading the next quote down)
[23:18:52] < beany> Ha
[23:18:54] < beany> What
[23:19:28] < PandaPook_> he realized he was about to say they go through peroids, and then stopped himself lol
[23:19:57] < beany> Yeah
[23:20:12] < beany> I meant. what to the girls in tubs
[23:20:23] <@yatpay> lol, what?
[23:20:47] < PandaPook_> girls in tubs?
[23:25:21] < beany> Did I read that wrong
[23:25:36] < beany> I did
[23:26:11] < beany> Angry girls in labs makes much more sense. not that I doubt bryce's ability to pull in wet tang
[23:26:53] < PandaPook_> lmao, I love you Beany xD
(After reading that..)
Bryce: Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'western blot'
Quote #1691Score: 1 + / -
yatpay: Is that one of the angry girls in your lab.
Bryce: No. They're not so angry anymore. They go through perio--errrr..
Quote #1690Score: 4 + / -
[23:54:51] < Josh> more than once I've considered that airplanes are just an elaborate trick
Quote #1689Score: 0 + / -
[20:32:53] < suz> i think mxy has an affinity for cheese
[20:33:49] < beany> I do too
Quote #1688Score: 2 + / -
[00:30:26] <shawn> We have a new guy starting in a couple weeks, Shaun
[00:30:31] <shawn> with a U, like a stupid person
[00:30:40] <shawn> The U is for stUpid Shawn
Quote #1687Score: 10 + / -
Goran: Suz is the corgi of people.
Quote #1686Score: 4 + / -
[09:58:40] <@yatpay> nugget isn't a human
[09:58:56] < Zoopers> Can confirm: He functions without liquor or caffeine
[09:59:05] < Zoopers> Research suggests he is a robot of some kind
[09:59:21] <@yatpay> without caffeine, ethanol, and aspartame, i'm not sure i'd have a bloodstream
[09:59:36] < Zoopers> I don't even have blood
[09:59:45] < Zoopers> It's literally a mixture of olive oil and red wine
Quote #1685Score: 2 + / -
[16:47:09] <@yatpay> every day the day gets 2 minutes shorter :(
[16:47:22] < gogisha> until the day is gone completely
[16:47:29] < gogisha> and replaced by eternal night
[16:47:33] < suz> then we wont have to go to work :D
[16:47:34] < gogisha> THEN I WILL RISE
[16:47:41] < suz> because goran will rise
Quote #1684Score: 1 + / -
[15:50:52] < Zoopers> Secret society [photo of three pugs]
[15:50:59] <@yatpay> oh god
[15:52:22] < gogisha> concurrent programming is super scary
[15:52:44] < suz> so are concurrent pugs
Quote #1682Score: 6 + / -
[10:44:44] < Zoopers> The mouse traps have caught mice zero times and caught Shayna three times.
Quote #1681Score: 1 + / -
[17:29:03] <commander> is elon musk from the future
[17:29:09] <commander> he looks like the generic future-race that is all races combined
[17:29:19] <commander> i think that's his secret
Quote #1680Score: 2 + / -
[17:54:13] <bryce> haha why can't the other person in the lab leave so i can get some saltybet going
[17:54:21] <bryce> Turn this place into something special
[18:27:23] <yatpay> that would be pretty ballin'
[18:48:47] <bryce> Science and stupidity combine
[18:49:00] <yatpay> together at last
[18:49:11] <bryce> haha it was together once i walked in the door
[18:49:15] <yatpay> hahaha
Quote #1679Score: 1 + / -
[Synacorian]: Phil, are you all dressed up today for an interview?
Phil: Nope! My jeans were dirty.
Quote #1678Score: 10 + / -
13:29:27] < suz> flu shot time!
[13:29:47] < Sawboss> horray
[13:29:53] < Sawboss> make it a double
[13:29:57] < suz> <_<
Quote #1677Score: 4 + / -
[10:20:57] <@yatpay> someone is giving away kittens at work
[10:21:03] < suz> *_*
[10:21:18] < suz> take all of them and give them away at our work
[10:21:29] < suz> but actually bring in a basket of kittens
[10:21:31] < suz> on your first day
[10:21:36] < suz> nothing could go wrong
[10:21:45] <@yatpay> what if i just stuff them in the pockets of my vest
[10:21:52] < suz> okay!
[10:23:18] < Zoopers> Hooray! Kitten vest.
[10:23:24] < Zoopers> Were you prepared for kittens?
[10:23:29] < Zoopers> I have one for you.
[10:23:41] < Zoopers> Haiku'd
Quote #1676Score: 1 + / -
[22:53:02] <nugget> I'll feel unrecognized and start doing crazy things
[22:53:19] <nugget> you're talking to a guy who doesn't even drink coffee, I have a lot of room to let loose
Quote #1675Score: 5 + / -
Goran: I don't think you understand how marriage works. You don't become one person. It's not a Voltron-style relationship.
Quote #1674Score: 9 + / -
Goran: Suz is a graphics whore. Sorry, a graphics sex worker.
Quote #1673Score: 2 + / -
yatpay: Did you guys hear that GTA V made $800 million yesterday?
Mike: That's sad.
Tony: Yeah, the new one looks really good.
Mike: Oh, I was thinking of Fast and Furious.
Quote #1672Score: 1 + / -
11:28:47] < Zoopers> Hey, let's be clear. Rippoween is NOT Tonycon
[11:28:56] < Zoopers> Tonycon has panels and a dealer room
[11:29:05] <@yatpay> but only one is open at any given time
[11:29:32] < Zoopers> Well, the panels are all about selling things.
Quote #1671Score: 4 + / -
Dustin: So here's a new one. You know that drawer of candy I have?
Dustin: Well like two hours ago I had one of those sour Warhead things. You know those?
Dustin: Well the moment I put it in my mouth.. my heart started to hurt.. and it hasn't stopped yet.
Quote #1669Score: 3 + / -
[10:37:59] < PandaPook> :( it's ok Suz I bairly get quotes
[10:38:08] <%yatpay> that's cause i'm protesting your spelling of barely
[10:38:16] < PandaPook> whatever
Quote #1668Score: 7 + / -
[10:20:20] -!- suz1 [~Adium@pool-96-232-167-35.nycmny.fios.verizon.net] has joined #ponyville
[10:20:25] < suz> nooooo
[10:20:37] < VicBond007> fake suz
[10:20:42] < VicBond007> $20 on real suz
[10:21:03] < suz> real suz vs fake suz?
[10:21:12] -!- mode/#ponyville [+h suz] by codexbot
[10:21:13] -!- suz1 was kicked from #ponyville by suz [suz1]
[10:21:17] <%suz> real suz wins
Quote #1667Score: 2 + / -
[16:32:17] <yatpay> how are tornadoes formed
[16:32:25] <commander> wind or something
[16:32:29] <yatpay> HAHAHA
[16:32:35] <commander> lol
Quote #1666Score: 4 + / -
Shawn: See what I don't get about driving in New York City is what is the point of the horn if you're going to use it nonstop?
yatpay: When I was there it seemed like the horn was mostly used for--
Quote #1665Score: 5 + / -
yatpay: The Army has a video game. How come the Marines don't have a video game?
Phil: Cause we just kill people for real.
Quote #1664Score: 3 + / -
Zoopers: Nugget, this is an awkward question but.. are you also... a--
Quote #1663Score: 3 + / -
[15:39:09] <yatpay> did you ever get your yolkr [a device that sucks the yolk out of an egg]?
[15:39:14] <commander> no
[15:39:21] <commander> there was some kind of manufacturing problem?
[15:39:24] <commander> but i think they resolved it
[15:39:28] <commander> so it should be shipping soon i geuss
[15:39:56] <yatpay> they should combine it with the oculus rift
[15:40:01] <commander> lol
[15:40:01] <yatpay> to make a device that pulls out your eyeballs
[15:40:02] <commander> ...
[15:40:07] <commander> hahahaha
Quote #1662Score: 2 + / -
Brett: I'm sure the regulations on the Minecraft market are not strictly enforced.
Quote #1661Score: 7 + / -
Goran: My only problem with cannibalism is that it usually involves murdering another person.
Quote #1660Score: 2 + / -
[12:00:28] < Waldo> ShowerTime!
[12:00:33] -!- Waldo is now known as WaldoRubberDucky
Quote #1659Score: 7 + / -
14:09:49] < Brett> bot, talk like zoopers about greg
[14:09:50] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:09:57] < Topaz> bot, talk like brett about greg
[14:09:57] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:09:58] < Brett> bot, talk like zoopers about andy
[14:10:00] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:10:05] < Brett> bot, talk like zoopers about katie
[14:10:07] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:10:11] < Zoopers> Brett, who the hell are these people
[14:10:21] < Brett> i dunno, i'm trying to find out your secrets
[14:10:25] < Zoopers> hahaha
Quote #1658Score: 5 + / -
[00:53:53] <yatpay> OH SNAP
[00:54:02] <yatpay> a bunch of [oculus rift] orders in the mid 40,000s just got put into processing
[00:55:25] <Topaz> where is yours?
[00:55:28] <yatpay> 54045
[00:55:33] <yatpay> which i feel is a lucky number
[00:55:35] <yatpay> cause it's symmerical
[00:55:36] <yatpay> lol
[00:55:39] <yatpay> symmetrical*
[00:55:39] <Topaz> palindrome*
[00:55:51] <yatpay> yeah, i knew the word, but honestly, here was my mental process:
[00:56:04] <yatpay> "what's the word. palindrome? that sounds like too much effort to remember how to type. i know symmetrical. that's close enough"
[00:56:07] <yatpay> in a flash
[00:56:16] <Topaz> and yet you typed symmerical
[00:56:23] <yatpay> don't judge me
[00:56:30] <Topaz> JUDGING COMPLETE
Quote #1657Score: 1 + / -
Nugget: There are a lot of good looking old people right now..
Quote #1656Score: 4 + / -
Bryce: Which one was that one ["An American Tail", with Fievel, the cartoon mouse]? An American History X?
Quote #1655Score: 3 + / -
[17:34:02] < gogisha> fly me to the moon came on the office radio!
[17:34:27] < gogisha> it is not in its iconic broken japanese however
Quote #1654Score: 5 + / -
Bryce: Ew. I hope this is poster putty I'm playing with and not something else.