Quotes

Welcome to the quotes page. When people say funny things, I write them down. I started doing this some time in 2003 and the collection has been steadily growing ever since. Around 2006 I introduced the voting system. If you like a quote, click the up arrow, if you don't like it, click the down arrow. That's it! Enjoy!
Quote #1708Score: 6 + / -
[14:23:11] <suz> the best part of [being a freelancer] is that i sound totally professional but i have no pants on
Quote #1707Score: 4 + / -
[13:10:51] <vicbond> when I log into the Iron Editor youtube account, almost all of the video suggestions are makeup tips.
[13:11:05] <yatpay> cause you're so fucking ugly
[13:11:13] <vicbond> lmao
Quote #1706Score: 0 + / -
[10:42:01] < Melee> My cat is trying really hard to eat my cereal
[10:42:07] <@yatpay> what kind of cereal
[10:42:22] < Zoopers> Meow mix
[10:42:25] < Zoopers> Poor Mel =(
Quote #1705Score: 8 + / -
[12:51:46] < suz> the F train derailed this morning
[12:51:51] < suz> so the 7 will probably be extra crowded
[12:51:55] < suz> who knows for how long
[12:51:55] < Josh> jesus christ really?
[12:52:01] < suz> that is all
[12:52:40] < Zoopers> On an unrelated note, I got a sweet flat penny this morning
[12:52:46] < suz> ooh from where
[12:53:09] < VicBond007> I get it
[12:53:17] < suz> :<
Quote #1704Score: 4 + / -
[14:21:28] < Melee> There's a really nice row of condos near me where one in the middle exploded during a fire. I call it Building Duck Duck Goose.
Quote #1703Score: 3 + / -
[11:07:45] <@yatpay> Zoopers: i have this image of you breaking off of society and starting a viking theme park and just living there
[11:07:56] <@yatpay> but you'll need a beard
[11:08:06] <@yatpay> no one will take a clean shaven viking seriously
[11:11:11] < Zoopers> I would love that, Yatpay. Haha
[11:11:30] < Zoopers> A theme park that regularly raids King Richard's Faire and takes their shit
Quote #1702Score: 1 + / -
[10:58:17] < charlie> still no work
[10:58:23] < charlie> best day to work from home
[10:58:26] < suz> you should watch orphan black
[10:58:35] < charlie> you should watch orphan black
[10:58:39] < suz> i did
[10:58:40] < suz> lol
Quote #1701Score: 2 + / -
[15:33:00] < Zoopers> Beards are comforting
[15:33:05] < Zoopers> That's why I don't have one
[15:33:10] < Zoopers> So you remember I'll cut joo
Quote #1700Score: 1 + / -
Brett: What is diasterPEACE?
yatpay: He's the musician you just listened to.
Bryce: He did the soundtrack to Fez.
Brett: Is that you pronounce it? I always thought it was "FEEZ"
yatpay: ...Brett. "Fez" is a word!!
Quote #1698Score: 1 + / -
Kailey: There's sour cream in this pie.
Charles: That's what that is? I didn't want to know. I didn't really look until I was halfway through the pie.
Quote #1697Score: 2 + / -
[15:18:59] <bryce> not sure what to do tonight though
[15:19:03] <bryce> annalise is away
[15:19:09] <bryce> and the mice will play
[15:19:17] <bryce> but they don't like me, so i am not invited to their party
Quote #1696Score: 5 + / -
[13:53:04] < Josh> i talk like this
[13:53:05] < Josh> just to
[13:53:08] < Josh> create
[13:53:11] < suz> annoyance
[13:53:12] < Josh> DRAMAAAA
Quote #1695Score: 5 + / -
[13:40:22] < beany> Mac and cheese pie?7
[13:40:29] < beany> !?!?
[13:41:16] <@yatpay> lol, where did that 7 come from
[13:42:17] < Josh> the heart
Quote #1694Score: 3 + / -
[18:00:16] <yatpay> buzz has become weird around strangers
[18:01:00] <bryce> haha you have to do some shock therapy
[18:01:04] <bryce> take him onto the subway
Quote #1693Score: 2 + / -
[13:39:28] <bryce> my [antibodies] comes in monday
[13:39:32] <bryce> then i wlll have tons to do
[13:39:53] <yatpay> hell, i make tons of those things every day
[13:40:20] <bryce> can they detect Akt phosphorylated at the Threonine 308 residue?
[13:40:29] <yatpay> that's between me and my doctor
Quote #1692Score: 3 + / -
(After reading the next quote down)
[23:18:52] < beany> Ha
[23:18:54] < beany> What
[23:19:28] < PandaPook_> he realized he was about to say they go through peroids, and then stopped himself lol
[23:19:57] < beany> Yeah
[23:20:12] < beany> I meant. what to the girls in tubs
[23:20:23] <@yatpay> lol, what?
[23:20:47] < PandaPook_> girls in tubs?
[23:25:21] < beany> Did I read that wrong
[23:25:36] < beany> I did
[23:26:11] < beany> Angry girls in labs makes much more sense. not that I doubt bryce's ability to pull in wet tang
[23:26:53] < PandaPook_> lmao, I love you Beany xD
(After reading that..)
Bryce: Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'western blot'
Quote #1691Score: 1 + / -
yatpay: Is that one of the angry girls in your lab.
Bryce: No. They're not so angry anymore. They go through perio--errrr..
Quote #1690Score: 4 + / -
[23:54:51] < Josh> more than once I've considered that airplanes are just an elaborate trick
Quote #1689Score: 0 + / -
[20:32:53] < suz> i think mxy has an affinity for cheese
[20:33:49] < beany> I do too
Quote #1688Score: 2 + / -
[00:30:26] <shawn> We have a new guy starting in a couple weeks, Shaun
[00:30:31] <shawn> with a U, like a stupid person
[00:30:40] <shawn> The U is for stUpid Shawn
Quote #1687Score: 9 + / -
Goran: Suz is the corgi of people.
Quote #1686Score: 4 + / -
[09:58:40] <@yatpay> nugget isn't a human
[09:58:56] < Zoopers> Can confirm: He functions without liquor or caffeine
[09:59:05] < Zoopers> Research suggests he is a robot of some kind
[09:59:21] <@yatpay> without caffeine, ethanol, and aspartame, i'm not sure i'd have a bloodstream
[09:59:36] < Zoopers> I don't even have blood
[09:59:45] < Zoopers> It's literally a mixture of olive oil and red wine
Quote #1685Score: 2 + / -
[16:47:09] <@yatpay> every day the day gets 2 minutes shorter :(
[16:47:22] < gogisha> until the day is gone completely
[16:47:29] < gogisha> and replaced by eternal night
[16:47:33] < suz> then we wont have to go to work :D
[16:47:34] < gogisha> THEN I WILL RISE
[16:47:41] < suz> because goran will rise
Quote #1684Score: 1 + / -
[15:50:52] < Zoopers> Secret society [photo of three pugs]
[15:50:59] <@yatpay> oh god
[15:52:22] < gogisha> concurrent programming is super scary
[15:52:44] < suz> so are concurrent pugs
Quote #1682Score: 6 + / -
[10:44:44] < Zoopers> The mouse traps have caught mice zero times and caught Shayna three times.
Quote #1681Score: 1 + / -
[17:29:03] <commander> is elon musk from the future
[17:29:09] <commander> he looks like the generic future-race that is all races combined
[17:29:19] <commander> i think that's his secret
Quote #1680Score: 2 + / -
[17:54:13] <bryce> haha why can't the other person in the lab leave so i can get some saltybet going
[17:54:21] <bryce> Turn this place into something special
[18:27:23] <yatpay> that would be pretty ballin'
[18:48:47] <bryce> Science and stupidity combine
[18:49:00] <yatpay> together at last
[18:49:11] <bryce> haha it was together once i walked in the door
[18:49:15] <yatpay> hahaha
Quote #1679Score: 1 + / -
[Synacorian]: Phil, are you all dressed up today for an interview?
Phil: Nope! My jeans were dirty.
Quote #1678Score: 8 + / -
13:29:27] < suz> flu shot time!
[13:29:47] < Sawboss> horray
[13:29:53] < Sawboss> make it a double
[13:29:57] < suz> <_<
Quote #1677Score: 4 + / -
[10:20:57] <@yatpay> someone is giving away kittens at work
[10:21:03] < suz> *_*
[10:21:18] < suz> take all of them and give them away at our work
[10:21:29] < suz> but actually bring in a basket of kittens
[10:21:31] < suz> on your first day
[10:21:36] < suz> nothing could go wrong
[10:21:45] <@yatpay> what if i just stuff them in the pockets of my vest
[10:21:52] < suz> okay!
[10:23:18] < Zoopers> Hooray! Kitten vest.
[10:23:24] < Zoopers> Were you prepared for kittens?
[10:23:29] < Zoopers> I have one for you.
[10:23:41] < Zoopers> Haiku'd
Quote #1676Score: 1 + / -
[22:53:02] <nugget> I'll feel unrecognized and start doing crazy things
[22:53:19] <nugget> you're talking to a guy who doesn't even drink coffee, I have a lot of room to let loose
Quote #1675Score: 4 + / -
Goran: I don't think you understand how marriage works. You don't become one person. It's not a Voltron-style relationship.
Quote #1674Score: 8 + / -
Goran: Suz is a graphics whore. Sorry, a graphics sex worker.
Quote #1673Score: 2 + / -
yatpay: Did you guys hear that GTA V made $800 million yesterday?
Mike: That's sad.
yatpay: Why?
Tony: Yeah, the new one looks really good.
Mike: Oh, I was thinking of Fast and Furious.
Quote #1672Score: 1 + / -
11:28:47] < Zoopers> Hey, let's be clear. Rippoween is NOT Tonycon
[11:28:56] < Zoopers> Tonycon has panels and a dealer room
[11:29:05] <@yatpay> but only one is open at any given time
[11:29:32] < Zoopers> Well, the panels are all about selling things.
Quote #1671Score: 4 + / -
Dustin: So here's a new one. You know that drawer of candy I have?
Steve: Yeah.
Dustin: Well like two hours ago I had one of those sour Warhead things. You know those?
Steve: Sure.
Dustin: Well the moment I put it in my mouth.. my heart started to hurt.. and it hasn't stopped yet.
Quote #1669Score: 3 + / -
[10:37:59] < PandaPook> :( it's ok Suz I bairly get quotes
[10:38:08] <%yatpay> that's cause i'm protesting your spelling of barely
[10:38:16] < PandaPook> whatever
Quote #1668Score: 7 + / -
[10:20:20] -!- suz1 [~Adium@pool-96-232-167-35.nycmny.fios.verizon.net] has joined #ponyville
[10:20:25] < suz> nooooo
[10:20:37] < VicBond007> fake suz
[10:20:42] < VicBond007> $20 on real suz
[10:21:03] < suz> real suz vs fake suz?
[10:21:12] -!- mode/#ponyville [+h suz] by codexbot
[10:21:13] -!- suz1 was kicked from #ponyville by suz [suz1]
[10:21:17] <%suz> real suz wins
Quote #1667Score: 2 + / -
[16:32:17] <yatpay> how are tornadoes formed
[16:32:25] <commander> wind or something
[16:32:29] <yatpay> HAHAHA
[16:32:35] <commander> lol
Quote #1666Score: 4 + / -
Shawn: See what I don't get about driving in New York City is what is the point of the horn if you're going to use it nonstop?
yatpay: When I was there it seemed like the horn was mostly used for--
Shawn: --echolocation??
Quote #1665Score: 5 + / -
yatpay: The Army has a video game. How come the Marines don't have a video game?
Phil: Cause we just kill people for real.
Quote #1664Score: 3 + / -
Zoopers: Nugget, this is an awkward question but.. are you also... a--
Nugget: Capricorn.
Zoopers: --eugenicist.
Quote #1663Score: 3 + / -
[15:39:09] <yatpay> did you ever get your yolkr [a device that sucks the yolk out of an egg]?
[15:39:14] <commander> no
[15:39:21] <commander> there was some kind of manufacturing problem?
[15:39:24] <commander> but i think they resolved it
[15:39:28] <commander> so it should be shipping soon i geuss
[15:39:56] <yatpay> they should combine it with the oculus rift
[15:40:01] <commander> lol
[15:40:01] <yatpay> to make a device that pulls out your eyeballs
[15:40:02] <commander> ...
[15:40:07] <commander> hahahaha
Quote #1662Score: 2 + / -
Brett: I'm sure the regulations on the Minecraft market are not strictly enforced.
Quote #1661Score: 7 + / -
Goran: My only problem with cannibalism is that it usually involves murdering another person.
Quote #1660Score: 2 + / -
[12:00:28] < Waldo> ShowerTime!
[12:00:33] -!- Waldo is now known as WaldoRubberDucky
Quote #1659Score: 6 + / -
14:09:49] < Brett> bot, talk like zoopers about greg
[14:09:50] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:09:57] < Topaz> bot, talk like brett about greg
[14:09:57] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:09:58] < Brett> bot, talk like zoopers about andy
[14:10:00] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:10:05] < Brett> bot, talk like zoopers about katie
[14:10:07] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[14:10:11] < Zoopers> Brett, who the hell are these people
[14:10:21] < Brett> i dunno, i'm trying to find out your secrets
[14:10:25] < Zoopers> hahaha
Quote #1658Score: 5 + / -
[00:53:53] <yatpay> OH SNAP
[00:54:02] <yatpay> a bunch of [oculus rift] orders in the mid 40,000s just got put into processing
[00:55:25] <Topaz> where is yours?
[00:55:28] <yatpay> 54045
[00:55:33] <yatpay> which i feel is a lucky number
[00:55:35] <yatpay> cause it's symmerical
[00:55:36] <yatpay> lol
[00:55:39] <yatpay> symmetrical*
[00:55:39] <Topaz> palindrome*
[00:55:51] <yatpay> yeah, i knew the word, but honestly, here was my mental process:
[00:56:04] <yatpay> "what's the word. palindrome? that sounds like too much effort to remember how to type. i know symmetrical. that's close enough"
[00:56:07] <yatpay> in a flash
[00:56:16] <Topaz> and yet you typed symmerical
[00:56:23] <yatpay> don't judge me
[00:56:30] <Topaz> JUDGING COMPLETE
Quote #1657Score: 1 + / -
Nugget: There are a lot of good looking old people right now..
Quote #1656Score: 4 + / -
Bryce: Which one was that one ["An American Tail", with Fievel, the cartoon mouse]? An American History X?
Quote #1655Score: 2 + / -
[17:34:02] < gogisha> fly me to the moon came on the office radio!
[17:34:27] < gogisha> it is not in its iconic broken japanese however
Quote #1654Score: 5 + / -
Bryce: Ew. I hope this is poster putty I'm playing with and not something else.
Quote #1653Score: 5 + / -
[16:20:05] < Bryce> haha i woke up [in the middle of the night] and was going to buy some games [again], but then i said NO, and ate a hard pretzel instead, that took long enough that i got tired and went back to sleep
Quote #1652Score: 3 + / -
[16:16:27] < Bryce> playing russian roulette and regular roulette at the same time, not a bad way to live
[16:16:50] < Bryce> actually that's a terrible way to live
Quote #1651Score: 4 + / -
Scott: We use mylar in our research cause it's transparent to ultrasound, mostly.
yatpay: Oh cool, what do you research?
Scott: Ultrasound.
Quote #1650Score: 4 + / -
[20:26:07] < VicBond007> 151 and mountain dew is passable as a drink
[20:27:32] < gogisha> lol oh dear
[20:34:31] < Sawboss> haha i got a colt 45 in my lap right now
[20:34:42] < Sawboss> going to be a fun night
[20:35:22] < VicBond007> Sawboss. Scientist by day, hobo by night.
[20:35:34] < VicBond007> I'm not sure which side you get super powers from.
Quote #1649Score: 5 + / -
Zoopers: Imagine how much it cost to get [Andre the Giant] drunk.
yatpay: I would imagine that a lot of people would buy him a drink.
Bryce: In a bar?? If Andre the Giant walked in?? Of course you'd buy him a drink! Especially now.. that he's not alive!
Quote #1648Score: 3 + / -
[11:30:14] <yatpay> shaaaame on you for trying to buy things at gamestop!
[11:30:15] <yatpay> shaaaaaame, haha
[11:30:21] <bryce> i have no shame
[11:30:34] <bryce> i'd sell you to gamestop if i could
Quote #1647Score: 6 + / -
(On internet piracy)
Mom: It's fun when it's... when you don't have to pay for them.
Quote #1646Score: 3 + / -
[23:23:35] < Joshura> Based on the nature of their character, which Muppet would have the highest probable factor of successfully assassinating Hitler?
[23:23:49] < suz> sam the eagle
[23:24:05] < gogisha> suzanne is a patriot to her dying breath
Quote #1645Score: 1 + / -
Scott: Brine shrimp are horrible.... but if you put it on a pizza I might eat it anyway.
Quote #1644Score: 3 + / -
(3:35:00 PM) Tim: why [the service] stops is the questions
(3:35:34 PM) yatpay: yeah
(3:35:38 PM) Tim: well i guess that's only one questions actually
(3:36:05 PM) Tim: why the list service stops respondings precious?
Quote #1643Score: 2 + / -
[22:39:27] <nugget> so I turned the language on my phone into spanish
[22:39:30] <nugget> but it just confuses me
[22:39:41] <nugget> and now I'm trying to figure out how to turn it back
Quote #1642Score: 7 + / -
yatpay: Apparently VVVVVV was voted one of the most accessible PC games for disabled gamers.
Bryce: Really?
yatpay: Yeah.. no precision needed, OK for one handed gamers, OK for deaf gamers, OK for colorblind gamers..
Bryce: Well.. deaf people are really missing out on a great soundtrack. Also, everything else that makes sound in life.
Quote #1641Score: 3 + / -
[11:21:14] < Brett> i think "just pooping and breathing" will be the name of my autobiography
[11:21:21] < Brett> and also the contents
Quote #1640Score: 4 + / -
[19:30:36] <%yatpay> bot, what is suz
[19:30:36] <@codexbot> suz is getting sick of our shit
[19:30:39] <%yatpay> lol
[19:30:47] < Bryce> lol she is only human
[19:30:53] < Bryce> i'd be sick of it too
[19:30:59] < Bryce> but i'm knee deep in it baby
Quote #1639Score: 3 + / -
[15:41:01] <%yatpay> bot, talk like brett about sloth
[15:41:02] <@codexbot> <brett> there goes my coffee break a sloth
[15:41:08] <%yatpay> haha, no time for coffee
[15:41:11] <%yatpay> gotta chase down that sloth
[15:41:49] < Brett> if i saw a sloth
[15:41:57] < Brett> you can bet that i would drop everything to go catch it
[15:42:04] <%yatpay> lmao
[15:42:18] < PandaPook> and that's how Brett gets banned from the zoo
Quote #1638Score: 2 + / -
[10:55:47] <%yatpay> suz is busy keeping people out of her country [in the video game Papers Please]
[10:57:08] < suz> i havent even clicked the link [to the game] yet :<
[10:57:17] <%yatpay> who said anything about a link?
[10:57:22] <%yatpay> i just imagine you're down there at ellis island
[10:57:24] < suz> lol
[10:57:26] <%yatpay> "no! no! get the fuck outta here!!"
[10:57:27] < suz> ellis island is closed
[10:57:30] <%yatpay> good job!
[10:57:32] <%yatpay> that was fast
[10:57:34] < suz> lol
[10:57:35] < Zoopers> XD
Quote #1637Score: 9 + / -
Nate: For the first four years I had [my cat] I didn't know he was deaf, I just thought he was a dick.
Quote #1636Score: 5 + / -
(Via text message)
Brett: Galaxy s3 [first smartphone], arriving on wednesday
yatpay: hey cool. welcome to the modern era. maybe I can actually ge tyou to use twitter now that you can use it properly haha
yatpay: which is to say.. on the toilet
Brett: if twitter is just texting from the toilet, then i'm tweeting right now
Quote #1635Score: 7 + / -
Steve: I have to pick up Megan from work at-- oh shit, what time is it?
Quote #1634Score: 9 + / -
[12:04:51] < gogisha> i prefer to just shatter the jar when i need a pickle
Quote #1633Score: 1 + / -
[18:32:16] <shawn> Anthony Bourdain in response to a question asking if he trained with his wife who does MMO: "I'm 56. What the fuck would the point be? My bones are like a box of stale breadsticks."
[18:33:15] <yatpay> hahaha
[18:33:22] <yatpay> did you mean.. MMA?
[18:33:26] <shawn> lol
Quote #1632Score: 1 + / -
[15:00:43] < PandaPook> woah..... I missed something here ^ O_o
[15:01:10] <%yatpay> people always make that little sign to point up. you know, i don't assume you mean conversation that's coming up later, lol
[15:01:16] <%yatpay> whoa, that is some fucked up shit, V
[15:01:23] <%yatpay> and what's up with that guy? <--
[15:01:45] < PandaPook> all the arrows
[15:02:07] < gogisha> lol
[15:02:26] < Zoopers> Deleted line from V for Vendetta
[15:02:36] <%yatpay> hahaha
[15:02:39] < PandaPook> lolol
Quote #1631Score: 2 + / -
[11:20:31] < Zoopers> I still really want our first contact with aliens to be two rovers awkwardly bumping into one another.
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Quote Greats

Bryce - 166

James - 134

Brett - 130

Mel - 75

Tony - 73

yatpay - 64

Topaz - 53

Wacko - 49

Becky - 47

Vic - 44

Clark James - 38

Brandon - 32

Shawn - 30

Suz - 26

Nugget - 23

Muffie - 22

Mike - 19

Beager - 17

Matt C - 16

Dr. Peterson - 15

Mr. Reilly - 15

Nick - 15

Phil - 14

Goran - 13

Beany - 12

Rosie - 12

Yatpay's Dad - 12

Ms. Whitner - 11

Tekdino - 10

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