Quotes

Welcome to the quotes page. When people say funny things, I write them down. I started doing this some time in 2003 and the collection has been steadily growing ever since. Around 2006 I introduced the voting system. If you like a quote, click the up arrow, if you don't like it, click the down arrow. That's it! Enjoy!
Quote #1626Score: 5 + / -
Phil: If I were Bill Gates I would hire people to send all sorts of useless crap up [into space].
yatpay: Like what?"
Phil: I dunno. Vending machines. And I would force them to bring me there once a year to collect the money that isn't there.
Quote #1625Score: 1 + / -
[10:26:21] < Zoopers> Yatpay, the Byzantine podcast gave me an idea for a sweet science fiction plot
[10:27:35] <%yatpay> oh?
[10:28:27] < Zoopers> Ya. If on our way to the singularity, we created an actual, virtual afterlife where consciousness continues beyond physical death.
[10:28:38] < Zoopers> But . . . DUN DUN it's controlled by the government.
[10:29:34] < gogisha> lol
[10:29:45] < gogisha> i wish that all of zoopers' ideas
[10:29:46] < gogisha> ended with
[10:29:53] < gogisha> "But . . . DUN DUN it's controlled by the government"
Quote #1624Score: 8 + / -
[16:22:58] < suz> part of coming to #ponyville [our IRC chat]
[16:23:00] < suz> involves
[16:23:03] < suz> learning everything there is to know
[16:23:04] < suz> about space
[16:23:06] < suz> from jp
Quote #1623Score: 7 + / -
[01:07:02] <nugget> I showed up to my gym and it was gone
Quote #1622Score: 1 + / -
[13:26:18] < Zoopers> I can recommend you some very good hearing aids. ;-)
[13:30:52] < Sawboss> quit winking you creep
Quote #1621Score: 0 + / -
(While watching Armageddon, someone cracks a plastic case containing nuclear launch codes)
yatpay: I've always wanted one of those things you crack open to get the code inside..
Topaz: You mean a fortune cookie?
yatpay: No!
Quote #1620Score: 3 + / -
[11:48:42] < Topaz> for more information, press 1
[11:48:46] < Topaz> for a punch in the face, press 2
[11:48:55] < suz> 2
[11:48:58] -!- ServerMode/#ponyville [+o Topaz] by ganymede
[11:49:01] -!- suz was kicked from #ponyville by Topaz [suz]
[11:49:03] <%yatpay> LMAO
Quote #1619Score: 4 + / -
[18:20:32] < VicBond007> someone sent me a guitar pick in the mail today
[18:20:42] < VicBond007> no return address, no note, just envelope with a guitar pick
[18:20:49] < VicBond007> I don't own a real guitar
[18:23:31] < Sawboss> haha
[18:23:45] < Sawboss> it is a sign
[18:23:56] < Sawboss> you must learn to play
Quote #1618Score: 2 + / -
[22:18:35] < Zoopers> 2/3 through pasta-pocalypse
[22:18:37] < Zoopers> agggh
[22:19:48] <%yatpay> lol, what is pasta-pocalypse
[22:54:00] < Zoopers> It's me making a shit-ton of pasta
[23:02:39] <%yatpay> why so much pasta?
[23:02:52] < Zoopers> It makes an excellent "I have no idea wtf to give you" present
[23:04:20] < Zoopers> As well as a "this other gift feels a little half-assed so here's fancy pasta"
[23:04:41] <%yatpay> haha
[23:05:09] < Zoopers> Dad? Booze and fancy pasta.
[23:05:16] < Zoopers> Mom? Sweater and fancy pasta
[23:05:56] < Zoopers> Me? Bought myself scotch 'cuz fuck I'm sick of making fancy pasta.
Quote #1617Score: 4 + / -
[23:31:24] < Jules> brb eatin craynns
[23:32:36] < Amanda> NO MY CRAYONS
[23:32:37] < Amanda> :O
Quote #1616Score: 2 + / -
Bryce: Brett if I win the lottery I'm going to buy you an iPad mini so you can play Hero Academy with me.
yatpay: Why an iPad mini?? Why not a normal iPad?
Bryce: I don't want to spend that much.
Quote #1615Score: 11 + / -
[21:45:10] < Omar> I've got a 2007 Elk Run Sweet Catherine red wine
[21:46:07] < Omar> The 2009 vintage was better though the use of foam-based "corks" may have effected the overall mouth feel. Slightly more acidity in the 2007 than the 2009.
[21:46:11] < Omar> mmmm, wine snob.
[21:48:40] < Bryce> i got a diet coke at mcdonalds…i put rum in it
Quote #1614Score: 3 + / -
[13:26:19] < Bryce> When my hands are cold I stick them on the dog's armpits, she not a fan
Quote #1613Score: 3 + / -
[15:58:03] < Zoopers> bot, what is pandapook
[15:58:03] <@codexbot> pandapook is old
[15:58:06] < PandaPook> :(
[15:58:12] < PandaPook> ./cry
[15:58:18] < Zoopers> bot, pandapook is really old.
[15:58:18] <@codexbot> Zoopers: got it. (pandapook used to be old)
[15:58:28] < PandaPook> ~sad~
[15:58:52] < Zoopers> Bot, pandapook is dead.
[15:58:52] <@codexbot> Zoopers: got it. (pandapook used to be really old)
[15:59:04] < Zoopers> Bot, pandapook is a zombie.
[15:59:04] <@codexbot> Zoopers: got it. (pandapook used to be dead)
Quote #1612Score: 2 + / -
[23:53:55] < Liz> they need to open a karaoke joint where it's nothing but 80s
[23:54:32] < VicBond007> they have that
[23:54:33] < VicBond007> it's called
[23:54:35] < VicBond007> karaoke
Quote #1611Score: 6 + / -
yatpay: Bryce, you sound pretty chipper today. What've you been up to?
Bryce: Drinking.
Quote #1610Score: 6 + / -
[18:20:33] < VicBond007> ermhegerd I am so behind T_T
[18:21:37] < Bryce> i had to google that to figure out what the hell you just said
Quote #1609Score: 2 + / -
(While watching the Romney vs Obama debate)
[21:43:02] <commander> ugh he's such a dickbag
21:43:07] <commander> i just want to punch his stupid face
[21:43:15] <yatpay> lol, a nuanced position
[21:43:21] <commander> lol
Quote #1608Score: 11 + / -
(Via text message)
Vicbond: Oh man, someone threw out a fog machine
Vicbond: Can't see shit
Quote #1607Score: 3 + / -
[19:21:05] <shawn> Most recent book purchase [Link to book "Nonsense of Free Will"]
[19:21:47] <yatpay> the idea that there's no free will scares me. so i actively avoid thinking about it. just like the chemicals in my brain determined i have to
[19:22:07] <shawn> lol if I deem it quote worthy can you put it on your page?
[19:22:25] <yatpay> ha, sure. one sec
Quote #1606Score: 4 + / -
[17:00:35] <%yatpay> is [the Nintendo office in New York] where they keep the secret real life pokemon?
[17:03:08] < Zoopers> No, Yatpay. That's the zoo.
[17:03:11] < Zoopers> We've been over this.
Quote #1605Score: 3 + / -
Brett: why were you up at 4?
yatpay: to watch the dragon [spacecraft] grapple and berthing
Brett: getting sleepy. i have never seen a dragon berthing. or grappling
yatpay: berthing is like docking but the vehicle is passive
Brett: docking passively is my favorite.
Quote #1604Score: 1 + / -
[16:23:46] < Zoopers> bot, talk like brett about dead
[16:23:46] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[16:23:51] < Zoopers> bot, talk like brett about life
[16:23:51] <@codexbot> That user doesn't talk about that!
[16:24:00] < Zoopers> Brett is . . . enlightened.
Quote #1603Score: 9 + / -
(10:58:44 AM) yatpay: Friday at 2:00:   The U.S. Navy "Leap Frogs" - an elite parachute team that often numbers 14 members - will jump from planes at about 12,500 feet at 2 p.m., landing in a spot in the Canalside/Central Wharf area. Free and open to spectators.
(10:59:03 AM) shawn: Interesting
(10:59:17 AM) shawn: Also known as terrifying for people with paranoid shizophrenia
(10:59:39 AM) shawn: Then again I guess most things are terrifying to paranoid shizophrenics
Quote #1602Score: 2 + / -
(Via text message)
yatpay: I hate probability. It makes my head hurt.
Chris: How sure are you about that?
Quote #1601Score: 4 + / -
Canz: Whenever I have a git merge conflict, I just choose the top one.
Quote #1600Score: 5 + / -
[15:36:21] < gogisha> i think if i ever meet any of you guys in real life i'd freak
[15:36:28] < PandaPook> why? :o
[15:36:51] < suz> you've met jp <_<
[15:36:58] < gogisha> lol yeah and it was weird then too
[15:37:06] < Zoopers> Yeah, but he's weird.
[15:37:08] < gogisha> seeing the internet become real is weird
[15:37:10] < suz> lol
[15:37:21] < gogisha> lol it wasn't yatpay's fault that i was weirded out!
[15:37:37] < Zoopers> Nah, I've known him for years and I'm always weirded out.
[15:37:54] < gogisha> lol
[15:37:57] < Zoopers> I wake up in the morning and shiver.
[15:38:03] < Zoopers> Just thinkin' about him
Quote #1599Score: 3 + / -
[14:42:36] <yatpay> you should hang out in #ponyville too
[14:43:36] <goran> lol ponyville is not real jp
Quote #1598Score: 9 + / -
[23:01:50] < VicBond007> there was a word for an aggressive spooner. I forgot it.
[23:01:58] < PandaPook> rape
Quote #1597Score: 6 + / -
[22:19:19] < VicBond007> This is how I feel when we have an AMV Dept. meeting: [Link to image]
Quote #1596Score: 3 + / -
Phil: I'm gonna make an iPad or iPhone app called "DNA Scan" that has you prick your finger and put a drop of blood in your headphone jack.. and totally ruin their iPhone.
Quote #1595Score: 3 + / -
(3:20:58 PM) yatpay: when the package came i had completely forgotten about it. and was like "well.. it's a little light for a bomb.. and a little heavy for anthrax.. probably fine."
(3:22:00 PM) Topaz: hahaha
(3:22:06 PM) Topaz: i'm totally sending you anthrax and a rock
(3:22:10 PM) yatpay: D:
Quote #1594Score: 3 + / -
(Shawn was tossing a marker up and down and missed it, dropping it to the ground)
[14:22:20] <yatpay> your hand-eye coordination is bad and you should feel bad!
[14:22:38] <shawn> kik
Quote #1593Score: 4 + / -
(In general chat at work)
(2:34:35 PM) yatpay: have you guys seen this image of Curiosity's heat shield falling off? [Link to image of MSL heatshield]
(2:35:19 PM) amirabella: yatpay: yes, it is awesome! can't wait for the hires video from MARDI
(2:35:57 PM) mfrank: My car has pieces falling off it all the time, but nobody seems impressed by it.
Quote #1592Score: 3 + / -
[13:37:56] <%yatpay> [Link to image of MSL heatshield falling over the surface of Mars]
[13:38:38] < Zoopers> SHIT, CYBERDISK
[13:38:43] < beany> D:
[13:38:49] * Zoopers dives for cover
[13:39:50] * Zoopers has panicked!
[13:39:55] * Zoopers has gone berserk!
Quote #1591Score: 6 + / -
[15:49:43] < commander> what if i told you that
[15:49:45] < commander> white castle
[15:49:49] < commander> is in atlantis
[15:49:51] < commander> and their cheeseburgers
[15:49:55] < commander> are made out of sea monsters
Quote #1590Score: 3 + / -
[12:22:04] < Zoopers> My brain's moment of the day: "Oh no! Why is there a woman's underwear on my floor? Oh, right. I live with one."
Quote #1589Score: 7 + / -
Shawn: When I was in high school there was a shooting range across the street. Well.. not so much a shooting range as.. this guy had a lot of property.
Quote #1588Score: 3 + / -
[18:40:40] <%yatpay> i got a big heavy package full of maps from the USGS today
[18:41:56] < VicBond007> google gives those out for free
[18:42:30] <%yatpay> these aren't normal maps. plus, i can't put google on the wall
[18:42:49] <%yatpay> this is stuff like various regions of Mars, the Moon.. etc.
[18:43:50] < VicBond007> yeah, I guess we don't have google Mars yet
[18:44:05] -!- beany-pie [~beanyneko@146.115.111.163] has joined #ponyville
[18:44:13] < VicBond007> speaking of martians
Quote #1587Score: 3 + / -
[16:47:07] < Beany> when is otakon?
[16:47:11] < Beany> this weekend?
[16:47:15] < Beany> next weekend?
[16:47:34] < Zoopers> Beany, Beany, Beany.
[16:47:37] < Zoopers> Don't you see?
[16:47:45] < Zoopers> Otakon was inside you the whole time.
[16:48:02] < Beany> D:
[16:48:11] < Beany> that is why i have been so bloated!
Quote #1586Score: 11 + / -
[15:43:43] <yatpay> so how is south carolina?
[15:43:46] <commander> hot
[15:43:55] <yatpay> did your air conditioner secede?
[15:44:00] <commander> :|
Quote #1585Score: 6 + / -
[23:34:08] < VicBond007> oh man, finally I can rest
[23:34:18] < VicBond007> I've been hunting a goddamn centipede for the last hour
[23:34:25] <%yatpay> lmao
[23:34:32] < VicBond007> Another hour and I'd be sleeping in the car
Quote #1584Score: 2 + / -
[20:16:48] < beany> When i first met dan he told me his middle name was Raoul and I believed him for a couple days...
[20:17:29] < beany> And dad told me his middle name was Tobias when I was wee and I believed him for a couple years until I saw his name on mail...
[20:17:36] < beany> Why would they do this?!
[20:18:23] < beany> Grr
[20:20:43] < beany> Also few up thinking my Gramma and grampa's names were both Bill
[20:21:15] <%yatpay> my full name is actually John Patrick Tobias Burke. named after my grandfather
[20:21:53] < beany> Oooh fancy!
[20:22:07] <%yatpay> lol, no i lied.
[20:22:16] < beany> U ass
[20:22:20] <%yatpay> hahahahahaha
Quote #1582Score: 2 + / -
[22:06:55] < VicBond007> In my reality, Jesus and Rita Repulsa are one and the same
[22:06:58] < VicBond007> It's complicated
[22:07:08] < VicBond007> But 2,000 years away from home does that to a man
[22:07:31] < PandaPook> the fuck did I come back to?
[22:08:02] < VicBond007> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE
Quote #1581Score: 12 + / -
Bryce: You guys want a soda?
Brett and JP: Sure.
Bryce: *Hands out soda cans* ...I dropped one of these but don't know which one.
Brett: and JP: Haha, alright..
Bryce: ... *opens soda which explodes all over him*
Quote #1580Score: 4 + / -
[23:41:38] <commander> i barely remember visiting you [at Clark]
[23:41:53] <yatpay> i'm looking for the pictures, haha
[23:41:58] <commander> lol
[23:42:03] <commander> i was about to say
[23:42:07] <commander> you took pictures during that trip?
[23:42:09] <commander> and then i remembered
[23:42:11] <commander> who you are
Quote #1579Score: 13 + / -
[22:23:16] < Beany> i hate those farts where you gamble and you arent entirely sure you won....
[22:23:25] < VicBond007> what the fuck Beany
[22:23:27] < VicBond007> what the fuck
Quote #1578Score: 9 + / -
Phil: You guys ever turn your head so far around that your eyes start to go black?
Shawn: ....NO!
Quote #1577Score: 3 + / -
Tony: I'm not sure how I feel about that metaphor.
yatpay: I think technically it's a simile since it uses "like", Mr. English Major!
Tony: Technically a simile is a subset of a metaphor..
yatpay: Technically "Tony" is a subset of "douchebag"!
Brett: Hahaha!
Tony: I ain't even mad .
Quote #1575Score: 7 + / -
[10:52:19] < tony> I am slow today. I was looking for "blank dice" on thingiverse.
[10:52:43] < tony> Then I realized that's called a "cube" and is the starting shape in like, every 3d program ever.
Quote #1574Score: 4 + / -
[17:57:48] <@yatpay> so, here's my strange habit of the day. whenever i see a plane flying strangely, i make a note of my location and the time in case i have to give a report to the NTSB
[17:58:17] < VicBond007> Here's my strange habit: Fly planes strangely around JP's office.
Quote #1573Score: 8 + / -
(Via text message)
Chris: Do I go for the PhD, or settle for the masters?
yatpay: i think if you don't go for it, it'll start gnawing at the back of your mind before long and you'll have to go for it anyway
Chris: So, you think I should treat it like a relationship?
yatpay: lol, i'm not sure what kind of relationships you've been in...... but i hope there isn't much gnawing involved
Chris: I date raccoons.
yatpay: the important thing is that you're happy
Chris: No - the important thing is that I remember to put a lid on the trash can.
Quote #1572Score: 6 + / -
[16:10:47] < VicBond007> [link to Neil Armstrong's corvette on eBay]
[16:10:50] < VicBond007> JP buy it
[16:15:05] < VicBond007> Take your cat with you
[16:15:16] < VicBond007> be like "FINALLY YOU FOUND HIS CAR now give it back"
[16:15:23] <%yatpay> armstrong hates this shit
[16:15:29] <%yatpay> like when that fucking creepy barber sold his hair on ebay
[16:19:16] < VicBond007> If someone paid money for MY hair, my new job would be shaving.
Quote #1571Score: 2 + / -
(Via text message. Bryce just finished finals)
Bryce: Thank you thank you...it is now my intention to sit in the couch in my underwear, a mug of underwear, and play kingdoms of Amalur
Bryce: I mean a mug of coffee
Quote #1570Score: 4 + / -
Brett: So.. I just bought this game [on Steam]... and I have no idea what credit card it was on.
yatpay: Hahaha
Brett: It was just like "you want to buy this game?" and I said "Yeah, buy the game" and they said "thanks for buying the game!" and I said "Oh! .. you're welcome."
Quote #1569Score: 8 + / -
Phil: Just signed up for orienteering [class]. ...how do I get there?
Quote #1568Score: 5 + / -
(Via text message)
Bryce: I'm gong to this old retro game mom and pop store
Bryce: Retro game junkie lol
Bryce: Well mom and pop sounds weird....cool older nerd and his very tolerant wife I feel
Quote #1567Score: 6 + / -
(14:40:56) yatpay: how old is [your son] now? i totally forget when that happened
(14:41:16) Matt: ~20 months
(14:41:21) yatpay: wowee, time flies
(14:41:53) yatpay: i'm coming up on 316 months
(14:42:27) Matt: im sure he'll catch up with you
(14:42:48) yatpay: ... was that a death threat?
Quote #1566Score: 13 + / -
yatpay: I'm reading this JFK book..
Brett: The adult one?
yatpay: ...what?
Brett: What'd you say?
yatpay: I'm reading this JFK book.
Brett: Isn't she writing a book for adults? Not Harry Potter?
yatpay: I'm talking about JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY the PRESIDENT, not JK ROWLING you idiot!
Brett: .......I don't know how I made that mistake.
Quote #1565Score: 6 + / -
Steve: JP! Take a picture of this [diagram on a piece of paper] and email it to me.
yatpay: Don't you have a cameraphone?
Steve: Lazy.
yatpay: *mutters* .. I should send you a picture of my ass..
(Everyone laughs)
Steve: I think if you did that I wouldn't even be mad. I'd just have to say "good job"
Quote #1564Score: 6 + / -
Pooja: So how does User Manager tie into the integration portal?
Matt: What's the integration portal?
Pooja: I don't know.
Quote #1563Score: 1 + / -
(17:04:59) Matt: i throw out random ideas until one makes me look good
Quote #1562Score: 1 + / -
yatpay: You know how to look at specific people on my quotes page, right?
Matt: No.
yatpay: You change the URL to have "order=name" and "name=Whoever"
Steve: Name equals "DROP TABLE"
Quote #1561Score: 7 + / -
Steve: I'm waiting for the package to get moved to the yum repository.
Phil: That's what she said.
Quote #1560Score: 3 + / -
[17:07:46] -!- VicBond007 has joined #ponyville
[17:11:02] < Jules> yes!
[17:11:43] < VicBond007> no!
[17:11:52] < Jules> YES!
[17:11:57] < Amanda> fine no sexy dresses for you then Vic!
[17:12:14] < VicBond007> Yes!
Quote #1559Score: 1 + / -
Phil: That's why I don't leave my house, Steve. Not because I don't want to leave my house, but because I don't want to get arrested.
Quote #1558Score: 3 + / -
[19:29:11] <Lingly> Look. If you're going to make a brothel, you want to make it indestructible.
Quote #1557Score: 3 + / -
(Amanda caught a stomach flu on March 16)
[21:07:17] < Amanda> sooo i call what i have the Icks of March
Quote #1556Score: 8 + / -
[18:44:38] < Julia> sending sean to the booze store is like.....sending someone who doesn't know about booze to the booze store. which...isn't really an analogy
Quote #1555Score: 9 + / -
yatpay: There's a place in Massachusetts offering free pizza if you get a vasectomy.
Phil: Fuck it, I'll get one. I don't want kids.
Shawn: You can always reverse it.
Phil: Really? How much is it each way? I want a round trip.
Quote #1553Score: 3 + / -
[15:21] commander: why dont any of your testers have google accounts
[15:21] commander: everyone is anonymous
[15:21] Josh: lol
[15:21] Josh: they're european!
[15:21] commander: gross
[15:21] commander: do they have like
[15:21] commander: gougle
[15:22] Josh: im trying to think of a snarky response but i cant stop laughing
Quote #1552Score: 9 + / -
[22:06:05] < VicBond007> though I'm not a big jack and coke guy
[22:06:15] < VicBond007> I just order it so I don't look like a homo
Quote #1551Score: 4 + / -
[00:36:04] < VicBond007> All I got for Christmas was cornbread and whiskey.
[00:36:23] < VicBond007> So
[00:36:25] < VicBond007> breakfast
Quote #1550Score: 4 + / -
[22:58:26] <@yatpay> i was listening to an NPR story this morning about new horses being bred for racing
[22:58:30] <@yatpay> and had to turn it off cause it was too weird
[22:58:41] <@yatpay> talking about mares and foals and colts and shit
[22:58:53] < VicBond007> JP
[22:58:56] < VicBond007> I know this is weird
[22:58:57] < VicBond007> but horses
[22:58:59] < VicBond007> are real
[22:59:12] < VicBond007> I hope you were sitting down for that
[22:59:20] <@yatpay> lol
[22:59:28] < PandaPook> ~floor..... laughing~
Quote #1549Score: 31 + / -
yatpay: Here's your dollar back
Matt: Sweet, my hooker dollar
Steve: That's a pretty shitty hooker
Shawn: She makes you suck her dick
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Quote Greats

Bryce - 166

James - 134

Brett - 130

Mel - 73

Tony - 72

yatpay - 64

Topaz - 53

Wacko - 49

Becky - 47

Vic - 44

Clark James - 38

Brandon - 32

Shawn - 30

Suz - 26

Nugget - 23

Muffie - 22

Mike - 19

Beager - 17

Matt C - 16

Dr. Peterson - 15

Mr. Reilly - 15

Nick - 15

Phil - 14

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Beany - 12

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Yatpay's Dad - 12

Ms. Whitner - 11

Tekdino - 10

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