Welcome to the quotes page. When people say funny things, I write them down. I started doing this some time in 2003 and the collection has been steadily growing ever since. Around 2006 I introduced the voting system. If you like a quote, click the up arrow, if you don't like it, click the down arrow. That's it! Enjoy!
Quote #1558Score: 3 + / -
[19:29:11] <Lingly> Look. If you're going to make a brothel, you want to make it indestructible.
Quote #1557Score: 3 + / -
(Amanda caught a stomach flu on March 16)
[21:07:17] < Amanda> sooo i call what i have the Icks of March
Quote #1556Score: 8 + / -
[18:44:38] < Julia> sending sean to the booze store is like.....sending someone who doesn't know about booze to the booze store. which...isn't really an analogy
Quote #1555Score: 9 + / -
yatpay: There's a place in Massachusetts offering free pizza if you get a vasectomy.
Phil: Fuck it, I'll get one. I don't want kids.
Shawn: You can always reverse it.
Phil: Really? How much is it each way? I want a round trip.
Quote #1553Score: 3 + / -
[15:21] commander: why dont any of your testers have google accounts
[15:21] commander: everyone is anonymous
[15:21] Josh: lol
[15:21] Josh: they're european!
[15:21] commander: gross
[15:21] commander: do they have like
[15:21] commander: gougle
[15:22] Josh: im trying to think of a snarky response but i cant stop laughing
Quote #1552Score: 9 + / -
[22:06:05] < VicBond007> though I'm not a big jack and coke guy
[22:06:15] < VicBond007> I just order it so I don't look like a homo
Quote #1551Score: 4 + / -
[00:36:04] < VicBond007> All I got for Christmas was cornbread and whiskey.
[00:36:23] < VicBond007> So
[00:36:25] < VicBond007> breakfast
Quote #1550Score: 4 + / -
[22:58:26] <@yatpay> i was listening to an NPR story this morning about new horses being bred for racing
[22:58:30] <@yatpay> and had to turn it off cause it was too weird
[22:58:41] <@yatpay> talking about mares and foals and colts and shit
[22:58:53] < VicBond007> JP
[22:58:56] < VicBond007> I know this is weird
[22:58:57] < VicBond007> but horses
[22:58:59] < VicBond007> are real
[22:59:12] < VicBond007> I hope you were sitting down for that
[22:59:20] <@yatpay> lol
[22:59:28] < PandaPook> ~floor..... laughing~
Quote #1549Score: 33 + / -
yatpay: Here's your dollar back
Matt: Sweet, my hooker dollar
Steve: That's a pretty shitty hooker
Shawn: She makes you suck her dick
Quote #1548Score: 3 + / -
[23:49:42] <beager> if canada had a god, poutine would be its eucharist
[23:49:50] <beager> but canada is godless, so it's just poutine
Quote #1547Score: 2 + / -
[15:29:20] <brian> there should be a day where no one has to work
[15:29:27] <brian> universally
[15:29:38] <brian> even if it means that some people will die
[15:32:24] <yatpay> how many people should be allowed to die?
[15:33:36] <brian> as many as it takes for everyone to be free
Quote #1545Score: 8 + / -
Phil: I was looking at this headline and it said "Child burned on playground" and I was like.. like a sacrifice? This country is going down the shitter!
Quote #1544Score: 7 + / -
Brett: I was a dumb kid. And I grew into a dumb adult.
Quote #1543Score: 14 + / -
(16:36:59) Beager: curse you heathen meat eating infidels
(16:37:22) Beager: you who bathe in worcestershire and worship the weber grill
(16:37:54) Beager: may fields of soybeans consume your young and may you be judged harshly by the All-Seeing Tofurkey
(16:44:53) Matt: IN WEBER GRILL WE TRUST
(16:46:36) Matt: Our Weber, who art on patio, hallowed be thy brand; thy grilling come; thy will be done on gas as it is in charcoal.
(16:49:15) Matt: give us this day our daily steak, and forgive us our burnt burgers as we forgave those who burn chicken; and lead us not into grease fires, but deliver us from vegans
(16:50:57) Matt: For thine is the grill, and the steamer, and the smore cooker, for ever. Amen.
(16:51:40) Shawn: lol, quality
(16:51:44) Phil: approved
(16:56:53) Beager: oh yeah? welll… uhhh
(16:57:20) Beager: TOFU BE PRAISED
(16:57:27) Beager: ALLAH SNAKBAR
Quote #1542Score: 1 + / -
[17:37:33] < PandaPook> muahahaha, i brewed things [in Minecraft]
[17:38:12] < VicBond007> beer?
[17:38:21] < PandaPook> speed potion, and fire resist potion
[17:38:54] < VicBond007> so
[17:38:56] < VicBond007> Four Loko
[17:39:06] < PandaPook> ......
Quote #1541Score: 3 + / -
[17:31:39] < VicBond007> I got the replacement part for my case
[17:31:46] < VicBond007> Which is weird 'cuz I never gave them my address...
Quote #1539Score: 10 + / -
[15:23:12] <@yatpay> studies show that even if you do exercise, being sedentary all day is very bad for you
[15:23:15] <@yatpay> as bad as smoking
[15:25:14] < gogisha> that probably explains why i have lung cancer
Quote #1538Score: 4 + / -
[22:32:31] <tony> Mead success!
[22:32:36] <yatpay> awesome
[22:32:51] <tony> Incidentally, siphoning when you don't know what you're doing is a good way to get drunk pretty quick!
Quote #1537Score: 1 + / -
[22:01:38] < Beany> haha i never made it onto quote page before!
[22:02:19] < VicBond007> The trick is
[22:02:21] < VicBond007> say funny shit
Quote #1536Score: 2 + / -
[21:55:10] < Beany> ew upstairs has boyfriend over
[21:55:16] < Beany> i think they are gonna rub on eachother
[21:55:25] < Beany> >.>
[21:56:24] < VicBond007> Usually there's more involved than that >.>
[21:57:15] <@yatpay> when a man and a lady rub each other very much..
[21:58:20] < VicBond007> booooooo
Quote #1535Score: 6 + / -
Phil: You know what idea I had for a website the other day.. well, yesterday... while I was drunk.
Quote #1534Score: 3 + / -
[10:23:58] <tony> The group really liked my suggestion that when we accidentally kill a parent node but not the children, we call it a "Batman node."
Quote #1533Score: 2 + / -
[16:53:51] <yatpay> human vision is strange. out of the corner of my eye i could've sworn you were wearing a fedora
[16:53:59] <shawn> the fuck?
[16:54:04] <yatpay> FEDORA
[16:54:32] <shawn> THE FUCK?
Quote #1532Score: 2 + / -
[14:34:18] <tony> Watching someone else kill all the people I hate is a bit like watching someone else eat your birthday cake
Quote #1531Score: 5 + / -
(Talking about the vehicle he drove while in Iraq)
yatpay: Oh, was it one of those ones with the V bottom to deflect bombs?
Phil. Nah, it had a flat bottom. It SUCKED for bombs, haha.
Quote #1530Score: 3 + / -
Phil: If I went to Tops and they had cat meat.. I would eat the shit out of it.
Quote #1529Score: 3 + / -
[17:07] Amanda: :( i just lost everything in lava T_T
[17:13] Vic: what'd I tell you about lava!
[17:13] Vic: Nothing but trouble!
Quote #1528Score: 2 + / -
(Talking about choice in games)
[14:16:07] <yatpay> but if your choices have no impact, what's the point of even having them? why not just watch a movie?
[14:16:22] <bryce> cause i like pushing buttons
Quote #1527Score: 2 + / -
(11:43:17) yatpay: lol, no one likes my pun: [Link to meme]
(11:46:59) Beager: probably because it should say "Juno / there's a probe going to Jupiter?"
(11:47:22) yatpay: i fail at memes :(
(11:49:15) Beager: well it was a good joke about jupiter, so Io you that much at least
(11:49:56) yatpay: lol, BOOOOOOO
Quote #1526Score: 4 + / -
[23:43:51] <chris> i'm thinking about starting a blog
[23:44:13] <yatpay> Blue Label and Blue Shift?
[23:44:26] <chris> i love it when you talk dirty
[23:44:30] <yatpay> >_>
Quote #1525Score: 8 + / -
Vic: *Burrrrrp* ... when did I have Chinese food?
Quote #1524Score: 18 + / -
(Email from Shawn to our group at work)
I've been stricken with zombie flu and won't be in today. If you see me at work today remember to shoot for the head, it's the only way.
Quote #1523Score: 7 + / -
(14:55:24) yatpay: oh man, i just got a double long wheat thin
(14:55:28) Beager: ME TOO
(14:55:41) Beager: WE'RE WHEAT TWINS
Quote #1522Score: 2 + / -
[14:28:48] <yatpay> what is the best pie
[14:28:55] <yatpay> false. the correct answer is lemon meringue
[14:29:10] <commander> i didnt even say
[14:29:16] <yatpay> doesn't matter
[14:29:19] <commander> :|
Quote #1521Score: 2 + / -
(Shawn is at a CMS sync)
[22:28:31] <shawn> If shit breaks during the sync my course of action will be this [link to image]
because I haven't touched the CMS in ages
Quote #1520Score: 3 + / -
[10:27:55] <shawn> it was a picture of Eminem eating eminems
[10:28:00] <shawn> errr M&Ms
[10:28:02] <shawn> lol
[10:28:03] <yatpay> >_>
Quote #1519Score: 8 + / -
(16:30:01) Beager: i have another theory about [My Little Pony]
(16:30:46) Beager: it's secretly being funded by al-qaeda to discredit the character of americans
(16:31:07) yatpay: yeah, cause the ponies clearly display qualities that would tear this country apart :P
(16:31:23) yatpay: like friendship, honesty, laughter, loyalty, generosity, kindness..
(16:31:31) yatpay: well ok, you might have me with magic
(16:32:31) Beager: friendship paints us as soft
(16:32:38) yatpay: oh this is going to be good
(16:35:30) Beager: we'd be soft on them if they attacked us
(16:35:41) Beager: honesty means they can deceive us, we're easily deceived
(16:35:52) Beager: laughter means we don't take the arab world seriously
(16:36:05) Beager: we mock them openly with our pony worship and our Gays On Television
(16:36:24) Beager: loyalty, we are loyal to Israel and all of Her matzoh maidens
(16:36:39) Beager: Generosity also in that we give trillions of pesos to Israel every year
(16:37:27) Beager: and kindness, that we are kind to adulturers and the wicked, yet we cheer the spilling of the blood of Muammar Gadhafi the Fabulous
(16:38:01) Beager: al-qaeda will infiltrate the U.S. inside the butt of a gigantic wooden Twilight Sparkle
(16:38:12) Beager: and will reign holy death upon this traitor nation
(16:38:21) Beager: and now i'm on every watch list in the US, yaaaaaayyyy
Quote #1518Score: 12 + / -
(Testing some programming code)
Shawn: Step one.. hey! It didn't explode! Step two.. OH NOOO!!
Quote #1517Score: 2 + / -
[22:17:47] [Link to image of cute animal]
[22:18:00] <yatpay> hahahahaha, is that a seal??
[22:18:04] <shawn> polar bear
[22:18:12] <shawn> polar opposite (pun intended)
Quote #1515Score: 7 + / -
[20:03:29] <yatpay> i started an unattended fire in my kitchen yesterday
[20:03:56] <shawn> that could mean anything between my stove is on to my apartment is on
Quote #1514Score: 3 + / -
Bryce: Alright guys, I'm gonna go for a bit. I'm going to say hi to Alicia. .... Oh. Guys. Alicia says.. "I'm not requesting that." Well she's getting that, here I come! *click*
Quote #1513Score: 2 + / -
Bryce: I'll tell you this. You want me to mute you in Call of Duty? All you gotta do is talk. Boom. Done. Doesn't matter what you say. I don't need 15 year-olds telling me I suck!
Quote #1512Score: 7 + / -
yatpay: What's the major city of South Carolina?
Quote #1511Score: 7 + / -
John Kav: JP you should make a Brony branded product.
yatpay: I'm pretty sure that would be copyright infringement.
Beager: No, it'd be.. CLOPYRIGHT infringement!
yatpay: ...I'm really mad I'm adding this [to the quotes page]
Quote #1510Score: 3 + / -
Dad: [My friend] was over the other day, and wanted some.. what's that purple stuff.. you put it on toast?
Dad: Yeah! Jam!
Quote #1509Score: 8 + / -
Pooja: Cats.. reproduce in bulk right?
Quote #1508Score: 4 + / -
Beager: JP, how long does it take to get to the moon?
yatpay: Using what?
Beager: False. Space isn't real.
Quote #1507Score: 2 + / -
John Kav: The Sky Crane? Sounds like something out of the Kama Sutra.
Quote #1506Score: 7 + / -
(Via text message)
Topaz: HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF BUZZ
Topaz: LETS... FIND OUT!
Quote #1505Score: 3 + / -
Colin: Bryce, have you ever seen Toy Story 3?
Colin: Bryce didn't like it either.
Quote #1503Score: 3 + / -
[23:41:14] <yatpay> this year [Mel's Dad] supposedly [carved a pumpkin of] his cat: [Link to picture of Mo]
[23:41:17] <yatpay> but i haven't seen it yet
[23:42:03] <commander> hahaha
[23:42:07] <commander> that cat was made to be a pumpkin
Quote #1502Score: 6 + / -
[21:37:53] <yatpay> [Link to image]
[21:38:26] <clark_james> i wonder if he ever came back
[21:38:44] <yatpay> lmao
Quote #1501Score: 15 + / -
yatpay: Hey John!
John Kav: ..
(Simultaneously) Both: Space!!
yatpay: Alright, let's not do that again..
Quote #1500Score: 4 + / -
Phil: [If I were falling out of an airplane] I'd try to take off all my clothes. Make 'em guess.
Quote #1499Score: 3 + / -
[17:06:46] <bryce> man being a student has issues i did not prepare for...i have to actively remember to shower
[17:06:49] <bryce> it not part of routine lol
Quote #1498Score: 5 + / -
[16:37:10] <yatpay> with your hearing aids, can you hear enough of a show to get the general tone of someone's voice?
[16:37:22] <sierra> no
[16:37:27] <sierra> I can't even tell if htey're male or female, usually
[16:37:33] <sierra> just that someone's talking, maybe.
[16:37:38] <yatpay> weird. what do they let you hear then?
[16:37:45] <sierra> explosions.
Quote #1496Score: 1 + / -
[16:19:41] <mel> I was just reading an article about the Mario games
[16:20:02] <mel> And when they referred to "POW" blocks, I automatically read that as "Prisoner of War" blocks
[16:20:04] <mel> Very different
Quote #1495Score: 2 + / -
(Discussing how to hack into my website to change quote scores)
Canz: You know what the really easy way to do it is? Just punch you in the face and take your laptop.
yatpay: Ha, yeah, I'm already logged into the MySQL console.
Canz: "Hey, what happened to your face?" "I got hacked!"
Quote #1494Score: 4 + / -
(Brett texted me the day after Steve Jobs died)
Brett: steve jobs is dead?!
yatpay: lol, you're like slowbro. someone posted a picture of slowbro going "RIP Steve Irwin"
Brett: slowbro is dead?!
Quote #1493Score: 3 + / -
Quote #1492Score: 10 + / -
[15:37:09] <yatpay> i'm pretty sure Dash is about 20% cooler than Dart
[15:38:18] <shawn> shawn rolls for initiative. Roll = 24, Goal = 12. Roll successful. Shawn dodges the pony reference.
Quote #1491Score: 6 + / -
(16:14:39) yatpay: [visiting Chernobyl is perfectly safe] provided you stay in the known safe areas, don't touch moss, don't walk into the grass, etc
(16:14:43) Beager: haha
(16:14:51) Beager: you can touch the moss and grass in new mexico though!
(16:14:54) yatpay: lol, yeah
(16:14:56) yatpay: don't touch it in chernobyl!!
(16:15:01) Beager: listen
(16:15:11) Beager: if i can't get my daily frolic in, I'm not a happy camper
(16:16:44) Beager: radioactive gas pockets that have been sitting there for 25 years
(16:16:51) Beager: are you talking about chernobyl or a lan party
Quote #1490Score: 7 + / -
[22:31:44] <yatpay> fun fact: door knobs were not invented until 1878
[22:32:29] <vicbond> Fun Fact: Prior to 1878, "doors" were called "holes".
Quote #1489Score: 4 + / -
[15:15:03] <mel> I was trying to call Raz at *our* home, forgetting that when I hit speed dial for "Raz Home" on my phone it actually calls his *parents*
[15:15:29] <mel> And without realizing, I left a message for Raz on their answering machine which starts "You're probably pooping..."
Quote #1488Score: 5 + / -
[10:30:28] <commander> did you watch arrested development
[10:30:56] <yatpay> funniest show ever made
[10:31:08] <commander> i may be going to see the entire cast at a panel in 2 weeks :D
[10:31:13] <yatpay> wowee
[10:31:14] <yatpay> very cool
[10:31:17] <commander> yea :D
[10:31:22] <yatpay> where?
[10:31:26] <commander> new york :P
[10:31:29] <commander> at the "new yorker" festival
[10:31:34] <yatpay> sweet
[10:31:36] <commander> yup
[10:32:38] <yatpay> did you watch that video of my cats opening the door? i'm meeting the entire cast later tonight
[10:33:22] <commander> the entire cast of that video?
[10:33:23] <commander> your cats?
[10:33:40] <yatpay> yeah
[10:33:52] <commander> you're meeting your cats later tonight?
[10:33:58] <yatpay> i'm so excited
[10:34:06] <commander> :|
Quote #1487Score: 7 + / -
[11:19:08] <mel> A telemarketer just hung up on me
[11:19:11] <mel> I don't know how to feel
Quote #1486Score: 4 + / -
[19:43:01] <yatpay> Orlando Bloom tweets "I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items."
[19:43:21] <shawn> Lady Gaga, human katamari
[19:43:31] <shawn> and at some times human calamari
Quote #1485Score: 9 + / -
(Mel is watching My Little Pony)
[10:25:28] <mel> This just happened in real life:
[10:26:21] <mel> Mel (to no one, since I am sitting in an empty TV station): Pfft, that pony has glasses. Who do they think they are, the Mayor?
[10:26:21] <mel> Pony on show: Mayor!
[10:26:21] <mel> Mel: Shut up.
Quote #1484Score: 15 + / -
[10:11:15] <mel> Guess how many hours I'm working today
[10:12:07] <yatpay> 17
[10:12:24] <mel> Pfft, not THAT many
[10:12:52] <yatpay> 7
[10:13:07] <mel> Way more than that
[10:13:38] <yatpay> 17
[10:13:52] <mel> This game is no longer fun.
Quote #1483Score: 4 + / -
[20:49:46] <vicbond> ugh my popcorn is cold already
[20:49:50] <vicbond> THE NIGHT IS RUINED
Quote #1482Score: 3 + / -
yatpay: Oh man, I wish there were a professional kickball league. I'd watch that.
Brett: We could start it.
yatpay: OK, we'll start it in Buffalo. Get out here.
Brett: Ugh. No. We'll be the first professional kickball rivalry.
Quote #1481Score: 17 + / -
yatpay: Brett, the Bills won yesterday 41 to 7.
Brett: That's ridiculous. The Bills should never win a game.
Quote #1480Score: 5 + / -
(Notice that at the start of this quote, I am sending something Amanda said to Shawn)
[23:46:54] <yatpay> [23:45:43] <amanda> an tell Shawn "it's ok, someday he'll be one of us [as a pony fan] XD"
[23:48:09] <shawn> I'll give the same response I give to people that tell me, "You'll pray when you're on your deathbed.": I may, but know that the person that prays is no longer me; as long as I have an ounce of willpower left I'll stick to my ideals
[23:48:39] <shawn> "I may, but know that the person that ponies is no longer me"
Quote #1479Score: 3 + / -
[22:50:53] <yatpay> ugh. i hate flash videos that don't include a volume control
[22:51:11] <shawn> you mean FLASH VIDEOS THAT DON'T INCLUDE VOLUME CONTROL?
Quote #1478Score: 3 + / -
[15:45:33] <tony> I like my women like I like my scotch: twelve years old and given barely any water.